I know you prize your ’89 Nissan, but when moderate rain sets off the alarm repeatedly, you’ve made it too sensitive.

I drove mine into a river following bad GPS directions and it was swept away, I must make amends…

Special bonus quote with hilarious British town name:

Although the track is signposted as ‘unsuitable for motor vehicles’, the driver carried on and found herself at a ford in the village of Sheepy Magna.

courtesy Dave Barry’s Blog

This story about John Popper getting popped for driving over 110 MPH, then having a subsequent search of his vehicle produce a massive cache of weapons and a small amount of weed raises several interesting questions:

- Being the lead singer of freakin’ Blues Traveler, shouldn’t that be “a massive stash of weed and a small cache of weapons”? I don’t think I know one serious fan of theirs who wasn’t a massive, massive stoner.

- What the fuck is he doing driving around in Jack Bauer’s car? Is he planning to singlehandedly invade Canada for the maple syrup? He’s got enough guns in there to start a small terrorist organization.

- Why does this article fail to produce the traditional Fat Popper vs. Thin Popper comparison photo? I swear, that photo’s been on every story even tangentially related to Popper and/or Blues Traveler since Popper had gastric bypass surgery a few years ago and dropped a shitload of weight.

- Is it odd that Blues Traveler is nowhere near as popular with Thin Popper as it was with Fat Popper? Or is a dopey-looking normal-sized white guy playing the harmonica not nearly as interesting as an extremely fat white guy doing the same?

- Where, dear Gods of the Smoking Gun, is the mugshot that goes with this? I can only imagine how fantastic it truly must be.

To the construction workers at working on that new building just east of Olympic and Bundy:

I realize that when you build a building, you have to bring in a large number of steel beams. However, I’d like to request that you do two things for me and my fellow commuters in the future.

1. Don’t schedule the steel beams to arrive at 7:45 in the morning, or really at any point between 7 and 9am, also known as Rush Hour.

2. Don’t have the truck carrying the steel beams be driven by someone who obviously very recently got their trucking license.

It was fun to sit and twiddle my thumbs on Olympic for 15 minutes while you tried – 12 times before I fucking lost count – to back the truck laden with beams onto the construction site.

I realize my fellow commuters weren’t helping by leaning on their horns, but I certainly understand their desire to express their frustration.

Seriously, do not pull that shit during rush hour again or I will get out of my car and steal your little hand-held stop sign and beat you about the head with it.

Love and kisses,
Ellen

Just when you think he couldn’t possibly go and say something any more asinine than…well, any of the other times he’s opened his mouth, he goes out and tops himself.

The secretary of the Air Force suggests testing crowd-control weapons on US citizens.

I mean, I can sort of see the twisted logic that makes him think this is a good idea (i.e., if we’re not willing to use it on our citizens, then we shouldn’t be using it on foreigners because it will make us look bad).

But…does he have ANY idea how much this sounds like, “Hey, let’s use American citizens as guinea pigs because they’re protesting against things and/or celebrating basketball championships!”

It takes a lot for me to say this: Even for this administration, this is an unbelievably stupid idea.

I want you to write I will not lose to a 1-AA team filling every blackboard and whiteboard on campus.

Then I want you to start taking EVERY game seriously, you schmucks.

Not as dumb as the Wilson Bridge Jumper Asshat, but it comes pretty damn close.