Do not try to move, relearn trigonometry, and begin to learn calculus in the space of two weeks (not necessarily in that order).

You are just asking for trouble.

You’d think someone who does enough cocaine that they’ve bothered to purchase a coke spoon would realize that turning the overhead light off in their busted-ass Benz while they’re snorting a giant pile of cocaine would probably be a wise idea.

Or perhaps you’re just doing so much coke that you really don’t care who sees you inhaling a small ski mountain.

Either way, thanks for being an L.A. cliché. This will be an awesome story I tell to people for years to come, even once I’ve fled this (often literally) flaming cesspool.

Also, I’m very glad I managed to make my way out of that parking lot before you even considered starting your car. As amusing as that was, I doubt it would have been anywhere near as funny if you’d attempted to drive instead of simply sitting in your car, high as a goddamn kite.

I really need to remember when I’m not working that I need to adjust my caffeine orders on the rare occasion when I go to Starbucks.

I was tired and going to a movie that I defintiely needed to stay awake through, so I stopped by Starbucks and ordered my standard drink: A triple grande skim mocha.

The problem is, usually when I’m tired enough to break down and buy Starbucks, it’s the Friday of a 70 hour week with no end in sight, I’ve been chugging minimum 3 diet cokes a day, and I’m just desperately trying to stay awake.

This time, I hadn’t had anything caffienated in days, so to hit my body with that much caffeine after having none was probably an unwise choice. I’ve been feeling weird and fucked up since I got out of the movie.

I’ll be lucky if I can get to sleep before 3am.

I got home half an hour ago. I have a 9:15 am doctor’s appointment.

For me to get 6 hours of sleep, which is generally my minimum, I would need to go to sleep…five minutes ago.

I’m going to be very happy when this week is over.

And the winner of this year’s First Show Deleted Off The Season Pass List is…Little Britain USA!

Sorry guys, you’re just not funny enough to overcome that hideous laugh track.

Although I will admit, had I gotten around to watching the two episodes of Fringe sitting on the TiVo, I might have deleted that first.

I eat a lot of Healthy Choice frozen food. I am a terrible cook and I’m trying to lose weight, so their products appeal to me.

One of their more respectably tasty entrées is their “Chicken Margherita”, a nice little chicken and pasta dish. For years, it was served in the traditional small, flat box.

The packaging has recently been changed, however:

They have decided, for some reason, to make this a “Cafe Steamer” dish. This is problematic for several reasons.

The first is that it vastly increases the size of the packaging, to the point where I can’t fit more than one in my freezer at the same time. Why is this?

Because each individual package is now two very large, thick pieces of plastic: A bowl the sauce sits at the bottom of, and a steaming basket that sits above it with the pasta, chicken, and bits of tomato and garlic.

This leads me to my second problem with this change: Did anyone think of how much more waste this whole process produces? To go from one flimsy piece of plastic to two very strong ones a) cannot be cheap and b) is just a wee bit earth-unfriendly.

And frankly, it doesn’t really taste any different from the way it did when you just nuked the traditional flat package.

It does, however, lead me to the most amusing problem: Hilariously obvious instructions.

This is a picture of the directions on the back, which you can click to enlarge:

I direct your attention to the text in italics on the bottom right. If you can’t read it from the picture, it says:

Meal can also be enjoyed by placing steamed food on a plate and topping with sauce.

Wow! You mean I’m not legally obligated to use this giant plastic thing included in the packaging? I totally thought that’s what I was agreeing to by purchasing this Cafe Steamer.

Overall, it adds up to a needless, wasteful, and downright silly redesign of a product that was just fine the way it originally was.

I was famished when I got back from the gym today, so I poured myself a big bowl of milk and Cheerios. I got about three bites into it when I realized, “Gee, despite the fact that it smelled okay, this milk tastes awfully sour.”

I realized how sour as I was pouring the bowl into the garbage disposal. The milk wasn’t pouring, it was oozing. Hopefully the few bites I had aren’t going to come back on me later.

I was out of non-cereal breakfast food besides eggs, so I said, okay, I’ll just make myself some scrambled eggs. So I scrambled up the eggs, and go to turn on the stove. Of course, the electric stove starter isn’t working.

I broke out my headlamp and looked behind the stove, and somehow it’s managed to come unplugged. My arm is neither thin nor long enough to reach back to the plug on its own.

I MacGyvered up a poking stick from some vacuum cleaner parts, but I couldn’t get enough leverage to actually push the plug back in far enough to get it working.

I tried to pull the stove out, but it’s firmly wedged in. Finally, I gave up and decided to use my big long lighter to just light the damn burner.

I looked all over the place for the big long lighter. Couldn’t find it. Finally gave up and used a normal lighter, almost burning my thumb off in the process.

But at least I had my eggs, which I ate while calling the landlord and telling him to send over some guys to help me plug the damn stove back in.