Dear Guy Getting Out Of The Sauna While I Was Getting Out Of The Pool,

1. Your reverse mohawk with sideburns that go most of the way down your neck does not look cool, nor does it hide the fact that you’re balding. It makes you look like you fell out of 1997, and not even a cool part of 1997. The only guy who could even sort of pull off the reverse mohawk was the dude from The Prodigy, and even he looked pretty damn dumb.

2. When wearing flood pants, one might consider at least wearing the same color of loud-colored sock. And if you wore different colors on purpose because you thought it looked cool, then you’re even more delusional than your hairstyling choices would make you appear.

Love,
Me.

Still no MRI of DOOOOOOOM yet, apparently the delightful folks at Blue Cross thought I could do with a weekend of sitting in my apartment and watching Rear Window.

I had to take the trash out today, and when taking the trash out and getting the mail leaves you whimpering in pain, you know something’s fairly seriously wrong.

Also, I went to put on a pair of jeans I bought recently today and experienced everyone’s favorite delightfully distressing “they won’t zip!” moment.

Actually, not even just that. It was more, “They won’t zip and simply having them buttoned is crushing my kidneys!”

This despite being purchased at the same time as another pair of pants of the same style and size, which I wore Friday with absolutely no problem.

I double-checked the size on the tag sewn into the pants, and it claims they’re my size. I had a lot of Chinese food last night, but I don’t think I had that much.

Damn you Old Navy, and Damn you to Hell, Mr. Cranky Ankle!