Some days I feel like the guy in this Onion Radio News bit (Achtung: loud, autoplaying audio).

Gee, it would be nice to be employed.

Being friends with mostly theater geeks in High School, I rather enjoyed this (particularly the last line about the location of the Technical awards):

High School Tony Awards Honor Nation’s Biggest Drama Club Nerds

If I actually manage to lose enough weight to get down to where I really want to be, I will totally be doing this:

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The Onion has outdone itself this week:

Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies

WASHINGTON—Authorities expect the shortage to subside by April, but until then, urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until the flypaper marigolds can waterfall.

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The whole thing is just outstanding, particularly if you think about Dan Rather saying all these things out loud. You know he would use each and every one if he could.

The best Onion Radio News in a while. Audio plays automatically on loading, so adjust your volume accordingly.

So I get home from drinking with the crew because today (well, yesterday at this hour) was our last day of filming, and I grab the computer so I can read while icing my foot.

The first thing I see when I look at my RSS feeds is this from the Onion: “Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House.”

So hilarious on so, so, so many levels, the most bitterly ironic of which is that many of my friends who work on the show are about to be uninsured themselves.

Two bits of post-World Series amusement, firstly from The Onion’s Sports department:

Colorado Rockies: ‘What The Fuck Just Happened?’

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and, courtesy of Mark, one of my favorite interweb videos in some time, answering the above question:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmaOj5ot7jA&rel=1]

Today’s Onion Radio News provided me, and I hope shall provide you, with a sorely needed laugh.

Audio definitely not safe for work, unless you’re either wearing headphones or work in an office that wholeheartedly believes in this research.

Because either way, it’s true:

Barry Bonds Home-Run Scandal Somehow Becomes Feel-Good Sports Story Of Summer

SAN FRANCISCO—Although Barry Bonds remains the target of criticism over his possible—some say almost certain—use of performance-enhancing substances, the fact that Bonds has not been implicated in dogfighting, nightclub…

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Best quote?

“Bonds is not exactly my hero,” said Braves fan Bradley Hanson, who flew to San Francisco for Monday night’s Braves game in order to pointedly not boo Bonds. “But he’s a reminder that in these troubled times for sports, there are still players whose crimes are simple, pure, and only tarnish our beloved sport and everything it stands for without killing anybody.”

Having spoken to precisely two people in person in the last week and a half, including my neighbor who came up to tell me that anytime I ran water in my apartment her kitchen was flooding, it was nice to have Miss Cleo come by tonight.

However, I’ve been so starved for human contact, I fear I may have become this guy:

Rhetorical Pleasantry Elicits 45-Minute Response

KANSAS CITY, MO-”When he put his hand on my shoulder, I knew it would be a while,” recalled Harding, who could not escape from the monologue.

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I’m strongly considering declaring “for the sake of my sanity” a legitimate reason to leave the house.