I’m sorry I got on a plane (aka Germ Transportation Module) at 7am and flew across the country while you were battling some throat/sinus crud.

I’m sorry I enjoyed some booze and generally had a life on vacation while the throat/sinus crud got worse.

I’m sorry I somehow managed to get pinkeye on top of the throat/sinus crud.

I’m sorry I then got back on another plane, again at 7am, again transcontinentally, this time with throat/sinus crud and pinkeye.

But seriously, I’ve been home doing nothing but sleeping and using the cat as a heating pad for two and a half days.

Can we please do something to actually get the throat/sinus crud and pinkeye out? I know you must be just as tired of them as I am. Please let me know ASAP.

Love,
Me.

Dear Guy Getting Out Of The Sauna While I Was Getting Out Of The Pool,

1. Your reverse mohawk with sideburns that go most of the way down your neck does not look cool, nor does it hide the fact that you’re balding. It makes you look like you fell out of 1997, and not even a cool part of 1997. The only guy who could even sort of pull off the reverse mohawk was the dude from The Prodigy, and even he looked pretty damn dumb.

2. When wearing flood pants, one might consider at least wearing the same color of loud-colored sock. And if you wore different colors on purpose because you thought it looked cool, then you’re even more delusional than your hairstyling choices would make you appear.

Love,
Me.

To the construction workers at working on that new building just east of Olympic and Bundy:

I realize that when you build a building, you have to bring in a large number of steel beams. However, I’d like to request that you do two things for me and my fellow commuters in the future.

1. Don’t schedule the steel beams to arrive at 7:45 in the morning, or really at any point between 7 and 9am, also known as Rush Hour.

2. Don’t have the truck carrying the steel beams be driven by someone who obviously very recently got their trucking license.

It was fun to sit and twiddle my thumbs on Olympic for 15 minutes while you tried – 12 times before I fucking lost count – to back the truck laden with beams onto the construction site.

I realize my fellow commuters weren’t helping by leaning on their horns, but I certainly understand their desire to express their frustration.

Seriously, do not pull that shit during rush hour again or I will get out of my car and steal your little hand-held stop sign and beat you about the head with it.

Love and kisses,
Ellen