Screwing The System

There is an episode of the Simpsons where Homer needs to have a crayon reinserted into his brain by Moe to return him to his normal state of stupidity.

Don't ask about the plot, I only explain it to explain the quotes forthcoming. As Moe reinserts the crayon, he tries to determine if he's gotten the crayon far enough in.

Homer: Further, you pucilanimous pilsner-pusher!
Moe: Okay, okay (whacks crayon further into Homer's nose).
Homer: De-fense! *grunt grunt* De-fense!
Moe: Well, that's pretty dumb...(whacks crayon again)
Homer: Extended warranty? How can I lose?!
Moe: Perfect.

And here we reach my point: Extended warranties are generally thought of as the playground of the paranoid and the incredibly stupid.

And by and large, they're not really a good investment. Most major appliances will only break long after the warranty runs out, and most technological objects will be replaced by the next fashionable gizmo before the warranty expires.

This is why, of course, these places can afford to sell these warranties. "Sure, we'll sell you something that you more than likely won't need to use until it's invalid!"

Sometimes, however, the odds fall in your favor. Especially with the Best Buy corporation.

I had already managed to get my last three portable CD players replaced under Best Buy product replacement plans, which pretty much cover anything except hitting your product with a sledgehammer.

But CD players, it's not as big a deal. They tend to get bounced around a lot, and thus break a lot more often. Their warranties are cheaper.

I, however, seem to have an innate ability to attract things that break. That's why I generally end up buying extended warranties for expensive things. Like my TV.

So when a mysterious red spot appeared on my TV screen and refused to vacate the premises, I called Best Buy. They sent a technician over to see what he could do to fix it.

The verdict: Well, it could be fixed if I got a new cathode ray tube. The CRT, for those who don't know electronics at all, is basically the entire television set with the exception of the plastic casing.

The cost of ordering and installing this part was 75 bucks more than I paid for my entire television set. So, Best Buy, doing the math, said, okay, go exchange it for a new one.

So now, for the princely sum of the $12 difference between what I initially paid for my old set and what I the new one was priced at, I have a brand new flat-screen TV.

I even ended up with a free 4-year warranty when the store that I returned it to's computer accidentally credited me for the full term of the warranty instead of the half that was left on my old TV.

I'd like to think that validates every penny I've thrown away on shit that actually worked, and most of the pennies I'll throw away in the future.

Because after this shit, "Extended warranty? How can I lose?!" is now my appliance-shopping motto.

This Would Be Great...If I Lived In Hawaii

My sleep schedule is totally fucked up.

I can't get to sleep before four in the morning and thus can't drag my lazy ass out of bed before 11.

Cooper, he of the work-mandated ridiculously early rising times, tends to get up and mock me for being awake even before I make my first attempt at sleep.

I've tried many things. Even the "Large Historical Book" attempt, which usually works wonders, is doing nothing. I started The Rise And Fall of The Third Reich about a week ago, and I'm already almost 150 pages into it.

Out of 1100 very, very densely written pages.

Most traditional sleeplessness cures like warm milk have never worked on me. Counting backwards from 1,000 worked until about midway through my sophomore year of college, but has utterly failed since.

I've had a couple of days where I had to get up early, and I thought, "Ah, this will be the day I break the cycle, I'll get tired earlier!" Right, about 15 hours earlier. I've ended up taking a nap every time.

I've tried eating. I've tried not eating. I've tried pacing around to tire myself out. About the only thing I haven't tried is working, but alas, that one's not in my control.

But I guess for now, I'll stick with bad movies and thick books, because at least I do sleep eventually. I've had a couple of periods of genuine insomnia, and they have just plain blown.

So things could be worse. I just needed to vent. Now it's time to go stare at the ceiling for the next few hours...

Hmm...

Is it a good or bad sign that I'm going through two gallons of milk a week?

Vee're Fahked

And so it was, that the Governator came to pass.

I am not going to ever be able to listen to that man try to make a serious policy speech without breaking into hysterical giggling. I don't care how long he's Governor of "Cahleefohnia," I just can't take him seriously.

Hopefully he'll have enough restraint not to threaten to crush the puny skulls of disagreeing members of the National Governor's Conference.

But I wouldn't put money on it.

Learn To Toast, People!

I haven't met that many people from my building, but the ones I've met seem to be fairly intelligent. However, someone who lives on my side of the building betrays this appearance, for they do not understand how to operate a toaster.

Five times over the last week, I've caught the distinctive smell of burnt toast wafting through my window.

Once or twice, okay, maybe I'd understand it. The toaster's on the fritz, but the person hasn't entirely realized it. So either this person likes their toast flambé, or they're just remarkably stupid.

If your toaster's new or not working, what do you do? You keep an eye on it, so your toast doesn't burn. If you don't, you're liable to have bigger problems than burnt toast.

I'm actually more annoyed at the smell than I am worried about the fire potential, mostly because my building is pretty much entirely concrete. But you'd think by now this person would have figured out, "Hey, I'm burning my toast an awful lot. I need to change my toasting strategy!"

Voodoo, Child!

The reinstatement of my voodoo curse on the Atlanta Braves has worked!

On behalf of Cubs fans everywhere,

CUBS WIN!