The Onion Strikes Again

Being friends with mostly theater geeks in High School, I rather enjoyed this (particularly the last line about the location of the Technical awards):


High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds

You've Gotta Have Goals

If I actually manage to lose enough weight to get down to where I really want to be, I will totally be doing this:

Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants

RUFFS DALE, PA—According to John Swink's friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances, as well as a growing number of local waiters and...

Nonsensical Awesomeness

The Onion has outdone itself this week:

Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies

WASHINGTON—Authorities expect the shortage to subside by April, but until then, urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until the flypaper marigolds can waterfall.

The whole thing is just outstanding, particularly if you think about Dan Rather saying all these things out loud. You know he would use each and every one if he could.

Hee Hee

The best Onion Radio News in a while. Audio plays automatically on loading, so adjust your volume accordingly.

That's Appropriate

So I get home from drinking with the crew because today (well, yesterday at this hour) was our last day of filming, and I grab the computer so I can read while icing my foot.

The first thing I see when I look at my RSS feeds is this from the Onion: "Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House."

So hilarious on so, so, so many levels, the most bitterly ironic of which is that many of my friends who work on the show are about to be uninsured themselves.

On A Lighter, More Baseball-Related Note...

Two bits of post-World Series amusement, firstly from The Onion's Sports department:

Colorado Rockies: 'What The Fuck Just Happened?'

and, courtesy of Mark, one of my favorite interweb videos in some time, answering the above question:

Fuck Off, I'm Listening To The Onion

Today's Onion Radio News provided me, and I hope shall provide you, with a sorely needed laugh.

Audio definitely not safe for work, unless you're either wearing headphones or work in an office that wholeheartedly believes in this research.

Funny or Sad?

Because either way, it's true:

Barry Bonds Home-Run Scandal Somehow Becomes Feel-Good Sports Story Of Summer

SAN FRANCISCO—Although Barry Bonds remains the target of criticism over his possible—some say almost certain—use of performance-enhancing substances, the fact that Bonds has not been implicated in dogfighting, nightclub...

Best quote?

"Bonds is not exactly my hero," said Braves fan Bradley Hanson, who flew to San Francisco for Monday night's Braves game in order to pointedly not boo Bonds. "But he's a reminder that in these troubled times for sports, there are still players whose crimes are simple, pure, and only tarnish our beloved sport and everything it stands for without killing anybody."

A Little Stir Crazy

Having spoken to precisely two people in person in the last week and a half, including my neighbor who came up to tell me that anytime I ran water in my apartment her kitchen was flooding, it was nice to have Miss Cleo come by tonight.

However, I've been so starved for human contact, I fear I may have become this guy:

Rhetorical Pleasantry Elicits 45-Minute Response

KANSAS CITY, MO-"When he put his hand on my shoulder, I knew it would be a while," recalled Harding, who could not escape from the monologue.

I'm strongly considering declaring "for the sake of my sanity" a legitimate reason to leave the house.

Brilliant

I don't know how many of you have been following the story of John Amaechi, the first former NBA player to officially come out.

However, if you have, you will thoroughly enjoy the Onion's merciless take on the story:

John Amaechi Comes Out As Former NBA Player

STOCKPORT, ENGLAND—British homosexual John Amaechi sent shockwaves throughout the sporting world last week when he announced, much to the surprise of his family and friends—in addition to NBA players and fans—that he lived a...

For Laz

Whose Mets beat the team upon whose bandwagon I have jumped (the Dodgers) today:

Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery

Onion Sports Fun

Today they poke a bit of fun at one of my childhood heroes:

Cal Ripken Jr. Moves Into 8 Billionth Place On Consecutive-Games-Not-Played List

BALTIMORE—Cal Ripken Jr. celebrated a new milestone in his not-playing-baseball career on Tuesday as he moved into 8 billionth place on the...