Travel Fun Update

I just recieved the following email from the airline which will be schlepping me to Atlanta tomorrow night, emphasis mine:

Dear Valued Customer,

We see that you purchased a ticket for an upcoming flight with us. As you may know, federal authorities have issued new security procedures that may impact any upcoming travel.

As a result, you could experience delays at the airport. Please remember to pack lightly, travel with little or no carry on baggage (due to the potential screening delays at the security checkpoints) and arrive approximately three hours prior to your scheduled take-off time.

Oh, goody fuckin' gumdrops.

Oh Goody

Well, I certainly picked a delightful weekend to fly to Atlanta.

The One Life Form Lower Than Landlords

Rental Agents. Let me share a little backstory on this one.

I've been looking for a new apartment for some time now, but I've been very picky, trying to find a good deal in the neighborhoods I want to live in. Deals, I've found, are few and far between.

So I finally find a place, it's a nice little bungalow, it's got the amenities I want, and it's fairly reasonably priced. It's actually probably about $200/mo below market value, so I jump at it.

I email the rental agent, who says he is only showing it Wednesday from noon to one, and is entirely inflexible on this point. Fine, I rearrange my schedule, explain myself to my boss, and get the time.

I noticed the original listing was gone from the rental site I use, so I emailed yesterday to confirm he was still showing it, and he said yes, come on over.

So of COURSE, when I get there today, no hint of a rental agent, just this:


That would be a sign stating the apartment has already been leased, with a copy of the rental agent's business card taped up to confirm it's not just some other sneaky potential tenant trying to ward off other people who want to rent.

I can understand why he put up the sign, because if he'd been there when I found out it was already leased, I probably would have kicked him directly in the crotch.

Still: What a jackass. At least send an email, jerk.

Confidence in Our Chief Executive

A view into exactly how big a jackass our Commander in Chief is, courtesy of the Los Angeles Times. Link requires registration, so here's the best (and/or most egregious) part, emphasis mine:

Tugging at their pride, and perhaps straining their loyalty, the exerciser in chief presided Tuesday over the latest inductees into the 100-Degree Club — the clique of White House aides brave (or perhaps gullible) enough to run three miles in the blazing August sun of central Texas.

The run, whose participants included new White House Press Secretary Tony Snow and a dozen or so other staffers, commenced around 4 p.m. — exactly when local temperature readings hit the three-digit mark.

The prize for those who completed the exercise: a 100-Degree Club T-shirt and a photo with the president, along with a sunburn and a good story to tell friends back home.

Bush, a one-time avid jogger who was forced to stop after developing knee problems in 2003, rode circles on his bicycle around the runners, offering playful taunts and encouragement.

I already had a fairly low opinion of George W. Bush before this, but somehow, this managed to break through the bottom of the barrel.

Management Sucks

As much as I hate the incompetent cheapskate nitwits that own my building, I occasionally need to be reminded that it could be a lot worse.

My condolences to the folks at Urban Therapy on the flotation status of their Big Ass TV.

Bye Bye Wallet

I believe I'll be riding my bike to work for the next several months.

Damn You, HBO

Things I did not want to see at the end of a brilliant preview of next week's episode of Deadwood, after this week's brilliant episode:

"Only 3 Episodes Left!"

Mother. FUCKERS. I still cannot believe they cancelled my favorite motherfucking show on television.

A Colossal Waste Of Time

Can be found right here. Create your own motivational or demotivational posters. Here's a couple fun ones I whipped up:

The Most Interesting Show On Television This Summer

There is a massive glut of bad reality shows on television this summer, and it's enough to drive anyone into actually leaving the house and/or getting a life.

There's one show, however, that's utterly fascinating. That show is 30 Days. I liked the first season last year, and this year, I think they've kept the elements that work and gotten rid of most of the elements that didn't.

The show is produced by Morgan Spurlock of Super Size Me fame, and it takes his basic concept from that Documentary (spend 30 days doing something out of the ordinary, follow the results with a camera) and turns it into riveting television.

Most of the storylines are fish-out-of-water: A Minuteman lives with a family of illegal immigrants. An athiest lives with an evangelical family. A man whose job was outsourced to India...goes to India.

It's obvious that these situations are set up to get the maximum conflict, but to the producers' credit, they focus on what lessons these people take away from their experience instead of the shouting conflicts themselves.

(If the "jump" link isn't working here, just click the link with the time to read the rest of this)

Not that there isn't shouting. The episode with the Minuteman in particular is a good example of how the show takes the shouting that is typical of reality shows and does something different.

The Minuteman they picked is atypical: He's an immigrant, a man who was born in Cuba and whose father's job with an American company allowed him and his family to immigrate legally right after the revolution.

It's an interesting pick, both because he speaks fluent Spanish and thus can communicate with the family on a level that most of those in the movement to seal the Southern border could never hope to, and because he seems willfully ignorant of how hard it is to get into this country legally right now.

His seething resentment towards those who enter the country illegally pours off the screen. Although he likes the individuals in the family he's living with, when he gets off on an angry rant about illegal immigration, the footage of him yelling at the people he's trying to converse with is intercut with interviews of the family talking about how even the shape of his face changed when he got that angry.

About halfway through the episode, the father of the family suggests that the Minuteman go down to the small town in central Mexico the family immigrated from, where his brother still lives.

I have to admit, the suggestion sounded like a producer plant, as up to that point no matter what happened, the Minuteman was still spewing the party line of "They're takin' our joooobs!"

However, the effectiveness of the suggestion, no matter whose idea, on the Minuteman's opinions was undeniable.

After seeing the abject squalor that the family used to live in (a tiny, collapsed shack with an obviously diseased well out back as their only source of water), he almost immediately dropped his contention that Mexicans are coming to America to steal American jobs.

In the space of a couple of days, spending time with the brother in Mexico, you can see something inside him snap as he realizes that nobody wants to live like this. Nobody wants to raise their kids in a place like this.

At the end of the episode, he even says that he will stop patrolling the border and focus on improving conditions in Mexico as a way to cutrail illegal immigration.

It may strike some people as liberal hoo-ha, out to change the minds of Conservative America. I don't think those people are necessarily wrong, but I think this show goes about it in a much more fascinating way than the Michael Moore "I WILL BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH MY POINT UNTIL YOU AGREE WITH ME!" technique that's so in vogue in liberal documentary-making right now.

That said, it's not a show without its quirks. Spurlock's narration and the accompanying animated illustrations can be grating, and there are times where the narration says "[Subject] decided to..." when it's clear the producers asked them to do whatever (this was particuarly obvious in last season's episode where the fundamentalist Christian spent time living as a Muslim).

The latter is more a quibble with the way documentary/reality shows are set up, but in a show that professes to be free of reality strictures, it's a glaring throwback.

In the end, I think this is a show that doesn't get nearly enough credit for tackling serious issues from a relatively sober viewpoint, and for getting individuals to actually look seriously at their beliefs instead of unthinkingly spouting back the party line.

Not A Moment Too Soon

Hooray! It's finally cool enough to just switch to letting the breeze come in at night, instead of running the a/c all day and all night and running up a giant electric bill!

Ouch

My electric bill doubled this month. Stupid massive heat wave.

I, for one, blame Al Gore.

Wayback Machine

Continuing my theme of I Can't Think of Anything Else To Post, let's take a trip back to about this time of year in 1981, when I was young and my parents' cat resented my existence:


I do love that picture. My parents are convinced Fat Cat is looking protective. I think he looks more like he's thinking, "The second you turn your back on me, this kid is lunch."

Holy Shit, It's Wednesday?!

One of the more entertaining topics of conversation at work today was this spectacularly obvious revelation in the press, and it's subsequent causing of cases of shock (shock!) amongst certain Americans.

The best comment I heard/read all day came from the comments on the Defamer story on the matter:

I was more surprised when someone told me today is Wednesday.

It's too bad that while getting rid of his metaphorical beard, he didn't get rid of his...whatever the hell that is on his face before they took the cover photo.

It makes him look like he's about to turn into a werewolf, but it's only like a 3/4 moon, so only his chin is partially transforming.

Kyan from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy must be so sad that he'll never have the opportunity to teach this man proper shaving techniques.

Miscellaneous Etc.

I don't have anything terribly original to say today, so I hereby present a couple of my favorite quotes from the interweb over the last couple of days:

Hello, weather? Satan called. He's sorry you two fought, but he really wants to patch things up, so you should RETURN TO HELL IMMEDIATELY.

-50 Books. And seriously: Word.

Lady in the Water is atrocious. And the man who wrote and directed it is an arrogant prick of the highest order. I have not had a less pleasurable time watching a movie this year. I resent that this film was ever made.

-Tim Brayton, in his fucking brilliant review of The Lady in the Water. Someone, please hire this man as your alt-weekly's film critic.

And I won't quote them, but I'll simply furnish you with this link to one of the more amusing Craigslist [fake] job postings I've seen in a while, and this link to a stupendously bizarre commercial featuring Whitey Ford and Salvador Dali.

Dear Dumbasses Neighbors

It is a frillion degrees out. You should be operating the air conditioning that comes standard in all apartments in our building.

You therefore should not have any windows open for your cat to push out the screen, climb out into the hole in the center of the building, and meow for 5 minutes.

Your cat should not be waking up both me and my cat. Your cat should definitely not sit taunting my cat for an hour and a half at 4 in the morning, as Chaplin yowls and yowls until I have to throw him out of my room so maybe I can get some sleep.

Your cat has put me in a bad mood all day at work. I slept for a grand total of three hours last night because of your cat.

Please, for the love of god, keep your cat inside your air-conditioned apartment, and let Chaplin go back to meowing at pigeons, who have the decency to fly away after 10 minutes of getting yowled at.

Thank you.
-Ellen

It's Hot In Los Angeles

"How hot is it?", I imagine you all asking in unison. It is this hot:


That is a can of Diet 7up that overheated so badly in my car that the top literally blew right off. Sadly, the picture doesn't do justice to the magnitude of how ridiculous it looks in person.

I bought a couple cases of Diet 7up at the grocery store this weekend, and had left them in the car since I couldn't get them in my first load.

I'd decided to leave them Sunday, but of course, I almost completely forgot they were still in the car, and they sat until today.

And then, I was driving this afternoon, and I heard a very loud POP! behind me, like something on my car had blown a very large fuse. I turned around and looked for smoke.

Instead, I saw nothing. I was at a stoplight, so I couldn't just get out and look. And then, the smell filled the car: Diet 7up. And I thought, "Oh...oops!"

When I got to my destination, I popped my trunk open, and saw this:


Apparently, since I haven't been doing much daytime driving this week, I hadn't noticed that almost every single can in both cases of Diet 7up has exploded in one way or another.

At least ten of the cans had the lid blown off like the one at the top of the page. At least half a dozen more were empty, but with very small holes that the 7up has been slowly escaping from over the last 4 days.

The cans had expanded so much that the cardboard box holding them had torn in half. Awesome.

I couldn't find the main body of stickiness from the dried 7up, but lord knows, it's gotta be there somewhere. I believe I will be spending my weekend getting my car's interior shampooed.

I brought one of the lid-blown-off cans back to the office, and it's now part of a co-worker's display of Weird Random Shit. Another will be taking up permanent residence in my home collection.

And I will definitely not be leaving soda in my car for a week in blisteringly hot weather again.

I (Heart) The Onion, Part XLVII

You know, swap out PNC Park for Camden Yards, and the Pittsburgh Pirates for the Baltimore Orioles, and this story would still be both accurate and hilarious.

Project Time!

Over the course of rehabbing my foot, I've been collecting these progressively stronger giant rubber bands of different colors that I use to strengthen my muscles.

Every time my foot gets stronger, they give me one that's a different color with more tension. They're fun, but I need to figure out what to do with these things.

And so I'm turning to you all for help, because here are the best (and I use that term loosely) ideas I've come up with so far:

- Water balloon launchers, to facilitate water-balloon fights within the office or with the crews other shows shooting on the lot.
- Some sort of cat toy (Chaplin already attacks my foot when I'm trying to exercise it, so this isn't much of a leap).
- The beginnings of a trebuchet to launch pumpkins.

They're about five feet in length, and so far I have red, yellow and blue. I believe the next color is green.

Any ideas?

Don't Encourage Incorrigibles

So, my dad's recurring diverticulitis finally landed him in the hospital. He's going to be fine, but I'm somewhat worried about him. I became less worried when I heard he pulled this little stunt.

He's on a liquid diet until the doctors decide when, precisely, to operate on him to take out the portion of his intestine that's inflamed. It's not exactly a routine operation, but it's not completely out of the ordinary either.

He's stuck just drinking chicken broth and eating Jell-O until they figure out what to do with him, or until his intestine de-flames. He's basically fine with this, since solid food was making him feel rotten.

And as he put it, "I've lost a whole bunch of weight with no effort!" I mentioned this might not be a recommended method o weight loss, and he said, "Who cares? It works!

However...oh, however.

He asked his doctor if, as long as he skipped the olive, he could still have his martinis. I was stunned my stepmother didn't kill him on the spot.

What stunned me even more: The damn doctor said, "Oh, I don't see why not." Uh, perhaps becauase HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL, YOU STUPID FUCK?

My mom, who ratted him out to me after getting the story from him, also told me that one of his friends showed up shortly after the all clear, martini shaker in hand, and happily fed dad his first doctor-approved martini.

I swear to God, I've never wished the ability to remotely slap people upside the head existed as much as I do right now. Dad and the Doc are lucky as hell it doesn't.

Arachnaphobia

I'm usually not very scared of spiders. I usually dispose of them by either setting Chaplin on them or catcing them with a piece of toilet paper and flushing them to their watery graves.

There are exceptions to every rule.

I was napping on my couch this afternoon when my eyes briefly opened...and I saw a HUGE spider coming directly at my face at a tremendous rate of speed.

The body was the size of a dime, and the creepy-ass legs just moved so fast. I immediately leapt into the air, flailed wildly to try and get it off the couch, and, yes, screamed like a little girl.

I managed to flick it in such a manner that it went off the couch, but I'm not sure where it landed, so it's still somewhere in my apartment.

Either I'm going to end up with yet more spider bites (the unusually large and persistent "mosquito" bites on my leg are now less of a mystery), or Chaplin is going to have a very large snack.

The Fat Mentality vs. The Thin Mentality, Summed Up In One Conversation

I was having a conversation with two female co-workers, both of whom are in pretty good shape, when an actress walked by in a dress that was extremely flattering.

Co-worker #1: Wow, she looks great. (pause) I need to work out more.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, me too.
Me: (pause) I want a Twinkie.

Suddenly, my obesity became far less mysterious.

Signs It Might Be Time To Do Laundry

Not only did I wear my ugliest work shirt (it's lime green, people. LIME GREEN) today, but I was completely out of white socks, so I had to wear black ones.

Anybody got any idea how ridiculous black socks look with a lime green shirt and blue jeans?

Damn, I need to get some quarters.

Tarred

My brain is totally fried from a combination of not-sleep and work, so I don't have much to say, and likely won't until the weekend.

To tide you over until then, I hereby present you this picture of Joel's despicably adorable puppy, who is representing my current state pretty well:

Urban Design Question

Why on earth would any city place its street signs vertically at street level, where it's absolutely impossible to read while driving, particularly in the dark?

I went to Manhattan Beach to deliver a script tonight and almost crashed my car like four times trying to read the damn signs on the side streets so I could figure out where to turn.

People. There is a reason most street signs are horizontal and at eyeline level: SO DRIVERS CAN FUCKING SEE THEM.

I did not think this was something that had to be explained. Clearly, I underestimated the stupidity of people who put design before common fucking sense.

The Theory Of Relative Hilarity

A cat with a beer bottle isn't as funny as a dog with a beer bottle, which isn't as funny as an otter with a beer bottle, which isn't nearly as funny as rabbits eating weed.

Emmys '06: The Awardening

A few thoughts on the Emmy nominations that came out today, which in the interest of not making the main page a mile long, I’ve placed after the jump.

And by “a few thoughts,” I mean “a roughly dissertation-length dissection of most of the major categories.”

Note: If the link to the full post isn't working, just click the link with the time on it.

Of course, a disclaimer before I begin: All opinions are my personal ones as a viewer of way, way, way too much television and not as an employee of any production company or television series. Conflicts of interest (i.e., shows I’ve worked on) are noted on a by-category basis.

One thing I should note: My Favorite Motherfucking Show On Television was ineligible for this year’s Emmys, since Season 2 ended before the eligibility period and Season 3 started after. Otherwise I’d be rightly criticizing these hoopleheads for ignoring McShane and many, many others.

Outstanding Drama Series

• Grey’s Anatomy
  
• House
  
• The Sopranos
  
• 24
  
• The West Wing

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series

• Christopher Meloni as Detective Elliot Stabler (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit)
  
• Denis Leary as Tommy Gavin (Rescue Me)
  
• Peter Krause as Nate Fisher (Six Feet Under)
  
• Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer (24)
  
• Martin Sheen as President Josiah Bartlet (The West Wing)

I won’t comment much on these two categories, since I’m too close to a couple of the players involved to give any unbiased opinions.

I will say, Meloni is a HUGE surprise, although I’m told by people who actually saw the episode he submitted that it was absolutely riveting. He’s generally a solid, underrated actor, but I don’t think anybody (including him) expected him to get this nomination.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series

• Kyra Sedgwick as Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson (The Closer)
  
• Geena Davis as Mackenzie Allen (Commander In Chief)
  
• Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit)
  
• Frances Conroy as Ruth Fisher (Six Feet Under)
  
• Allison Janney as C.J. Cregg (The West Wing)

Left Out: Jeanne Trippelhorn and Chloe Sevigny (Big Love), Edie Falco (The Sopranos)
Should Win: Kyra Sedgewick
Will Win: Kyra or Allison Janney

Conflict alert: I worked for The Closer for a month at the end of last season, and I’d have gone back in a second if I didn’t have my current job. I’m not a huge cop drama fan, so I probably wouldn’t have started watching this show if I hadn’t worked there, but even just speaking as a viewer, it's pretty damn good show.

Sedgewick takes a character who could very easily be a tired cliché in the hands of a lesser actress (she’s a consummate professional at work, but her personal life is a mess! She’s addicted to sugar!) and turns her into an actual person. Plus, the fantastic smirk of satisfaction she gets whenever she makes some scumball confess is absolutely priceless.

As for the other nominees: Janney may steal this with the sentimental vote, Davis should never have been nominated (there’s a point where “even” turns into “wooden,” and she reached it in episode five), Conroy’s show ended too long ago to make viewers remember it, and Hargitay is good, but straight-up procedurals don’t win actors Emmys.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series

• William Shatner as Denny Crane (Boston Legal)
  
• Oliver Platt as Russell Tupper (Huff)
  
• Michael Imperioli as Christopher Moltisanti (The Sopranos)
  
• Gregory Itzin as President Charles Logan (24)
  
• Alan Alda as Arnold Vinick (The West Wing)

Left Out: Terry O’Quinn (Lost), Isaiah Washington (Grey’s Anatomy), Ciarán Hinds (Rome)
Should Win: Gregory Itzin
Will Win: Shatner

Itzin and fellow nominee Jean Smart were the best things about this sub-par season of 24. He did his best to save a truly ludicrous plot twist (the President is the Mole? How is that even possible?), but it’s his ability to make you buy Logan’s oily conviction that he’s right no matter how stupid his non-plan is that makes him my choice.

Others: Shatner’s going to win because everyone in Hollywood loves him, and he gives entertaining, scenery-chewing performances. Not enough people watch Huff to give Platt the win. Alda wasn’t on West Wing long enough to share in the nostalgia that might benefit that show, Sheen, and Janney. I’m not quite qualified to comment on Imperioli since I don’t watch The Sopranos (try not to die of shock), but from what I know about his chararcter, he’s too despicable for voters to identify with.

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series

• Candice Bergen as Shirley Schmidt (Boston Legal)
  
• Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang (Grey’s Anatomy)
  
• Chandra Wilson as Dr. Bailey (Grey’s Anatomy)
  
• Blythe Danner as Izzy Huffstodt (Huff)
  
• Jean Smart as First Lady Martha Logan (24)

Left Out: Ginnifer Goodwin (Big Love)
Should Win: Chandra Wilson
Will Win: Wilson or Jean Smart

Don’t get me wrong, I fucking LOVED Jean Smart’s performance as the batshit-crazy first lady on 24 this season. But I loved Chandra Wilson as Bailey on Grey’s just a little bit more. In a series that’s overflowing with characters who wallow in their personal bullshit, Bailey is the one who cuts through all of it. Wilson takes a character who could much more easily be played as an unrepentant bitch and makes her the most likeable of the ensemble.

Others: Sandra Oh is good, and if they submitted the episode where her character has a miscarriage, she has a decent chance of stealing this, but she can also be irritatingly one-note at times. Danner has the same “nobody watches Huff” problem as Oliver Platt. Bergen’s the old warhorse in this category, and she does solid, unshowy work. Clearly going to get overlooked.

Outstanding Guest Actor In A Drama Series

• Michael J. Fox as Daniel Post (Boston Legal)
  
• Christian Clemenson as Jerry “Hands” Espenson (Boston Legal)
  
• James Woods as Dr. Nate Lennox (ER)
  
• Kyle Chandler as Dylan Young (Grey’s Anatomy)
  
• Henry Ian Cusick as Desmond (Lost)

Left Out: Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Grey’s Anatomy)
Should Win: James Woods
Will Win: James Woods

As good as Kyle Chandler was as Dooooooooomed Bomb Squad Guy on Grey’s, Woods wins this one easily. He’s a movie star doing TV (10 points) playing a guy with a fatal disease (30 points) in the best episode a fading show has done in years, largely because of his performance (20 points).

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Drama Series

• Kate Burton as Ellis Grey (Grey’s Anatomy)
  
• Christina Ricci as Hannah (Grey’s Anatomy)
  
• Swoosie Kurtz as Madeline Sullivan (Huff)
  
• Patricia Clarkson as Aunt Sarah (Six Feet Under)
  
• Joanna Cassidy as Margaret Chenowith (Six Feet Under)

Left Out: (none that I can think of off the top of my head without Conflict of Interest issues)
Should Win: Christina Ricci
Will Win: Kate Burton

Ricci’s petrified paramedic was damn good in the B-O-M-B episode of Grey’s, but Alzheimer’s is always Emmy gold, and Kate Burton does an excellent job of portraying someone who, while deeply loved, is a tremendous pain in the ass.


Outstanding Comedy Series

• Arrested Development
  
• Curb Your Enthusiasm
  
• The Office
  
• Scrubs
  
• Two And A Half Men

Left Out: My Name is Earl, Everybody Hates Chris, How I Met Your Mother
Should Win: The Office
Will Win: The Office

TWO AND A HALF FUCKING MEN?! No…Just…no. I realize Earl and Chris can be love it or hate it (and I really, really love both), but for fuck’s sake, How I Met Your Mother, a similar style of show in its first year, was much, much funnier than Two and a Half Men has EVER been.

The Office will win because of its spectacular turnaround. It went from a carbon copy of the British original that was occasionally funny, to an absolutely inspired workplace comedy that is quintessentially American (I’m thinking specifically of the episode with the “business meeting” that’s held at Chili’s).

The cast is magnificent, too: Steve Carrell is spot-on as The Asshole Boss Everyone Has Had At Least Once, Jim + Pam 4EVA!, Rainn Wilson is brilliantly deranged, and bringing the rest of the ensemble out of the background has paid off immeasurably.

Others: The few episodes of Curb I’ve seen are hysterical, but I hear it dropped off a bit this year. Arrested might take the sentimental vote, though my thinking is if it didn’t last year, it probably won’t this year. Scrubs had its weirdest season ever last year, and while I thought it was great, a lot of people didn’t, and this is a tough category.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series

• Larry David as Himself (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
  
• Kevin James as Doug Heffernan (The King Of Queens)
  
• Tony Shalhoub as Adrian Monk (Monk)
  
• Steve Carell as Michael Scott (The Office)
  
• Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper (Two And A Half Men)

Left Out: Zach Braff (Scrubs), Jason Lee (My Name is Earl), Jason Bateman (Arrested Development)
Should Win: Steve Carell
Will Win: Steve Carell

Two more WTF?! noms in this category: Sheen and Kevin James. James is just flagrantly unfunny in a show so bad it almost got cancelled, and Sheen, while a man with excellent timing, is just nowhere near as funny as Braff, Bateman, or Lee. I’ve already stated my love for Carell, and a win for him is a symbolic win for that entire brilliant ensemble.

Others: Shalhoub’s performance has potential to be a sleeper because it’s “quirky,” but again, I think this is a show not enough people watch to give him the win. And really, does anyone think Larry David is acting in Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

• Lisa Kudrow as Valerie Cherish (The Comeback)
  
• Jane Kaczmarek as Lois (Malcolm In The Middle)
  
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Christine Campbell (The New Adventures Of Old Christine)
  
• Stockard Channing as Lydia Barnes (Out Of Practice)
  
• Debra Messing as Grace (Will & Grace)

Left Out: Sarah Chalke (Scrubs), Tichina Arnold (Everybody Hates Chris), Feclicity Huffman and Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives), Lauren Graham (Gilmore Girls)
Should Win: Lisa Kudrow
Will Win: Lisa Kudrow

Hands down, the worst job they did with a category this year. The ONLY one of these actresses I would have nominated was Kudrow, who, like Kyra Sedgewick, took what could have been a one-note character and made it a hell of a lot more. However, I must note that I was one of about six people who actually liked The Comeback.

Tichina Arnold not even being nominated is borderline criminal, Chalke is never recognized for the outstanding work she does on Scrubs, and Cross and Huffman (who actually did do good work this season, despite its overall crapitude) were bitten in the ass by ABC’s stubborn insistence on submitting Desperate Housewives as a comedy, even though it’s a drama with some funny moments.

Others: Louis-Dreyfus is funny, but this is a “Congratulations on breaking the Seinfeld Curse!” nomination. Kaczmarek and Messing have been sleepwalking through their performances for years, though if one’s going to take the “Sorry your show is over, love ya lots!” vote, it’s Messing.

I don’t even know where to begin with Channing’s fucking awful performance on a fucking awful show (which I watched because Paula Marshall is hot and was playing a lesbian, and I am powerless to resist that combination) getting nominated for an Emmy. Flat-out disgraceful.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series

• Will Arnett as Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)
  
• Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold (Entourage)
  
• Bryan Cranston as Hal (Malcolm In The Middle)
  
• Jon Cryer as Alan Harper (Two And A Half Men)
  
• Sean Hayes as Jack (Will & Grace)

Left Out: David Cross (Arrested Development), Terry Crews (Everybody Hates Chris), John C. McGinley (Scrubs), Rainn Wilson and John Krasinski (The Office), Ethan Suplee (My Name is Earl)
Should Win: Will Arnett
Will Win: Jeremy Piven

Piven’s going to take this on the “insider” vote, plain and simple. Arnett is hilariously unhinged, but Piven plays an amoral asshole better than anyone. His character saved that show, and I'll be very surprised if he doesn't take home some hardware.

Others: Hayes, like the other leads on Will & Grace, has been sleepwalking through his performance for years. Cranston is funny, but most people aren’t aware that Malcolm was still on the air this year. Cryer…well, I’ve made my feelings on Two And A Half Men pretty clear already.

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series

• Cheryl Hines as Cheryl David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
  
• Alfre Woodard as Betty Applewhite (Desperate Housewives)
  
• Jaime Pressly as Joy (My Name Is Earl)
  
• Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes (Weeds)
  
• Megan Mullally as Karen (Will & Grace)

Left Out: Jenna Fischer (The Office)
Should Win: Jamie Pressly
Will Win: Cheryl Hines

Hines is damn funny, and will likely win as an industry fave (and a cop-out for those who like Curb, but don’t want to vote it best show). She can’t hold a candle to Pressly, who has absolutely no shame whatsoever, and I love her for it. Pressly throws herself into Joy’s ridiculousness with abandon, while infusing a character who could just be an irritating simpleton with sympathy. Plus, she’s got fucking spectacular comedic timing.

Others: Woodard was completely wasted in this role, which was anything but comedic, and if she wins, I’ll eat my hat. Mullally might pull out a sentimental vote on the end of Will & Grace, and she’s the only one of the main four on that show that actually put anything resembling effort into her character recently. Perkins again bumps up against the “nobody’s watching” problem. If Mary-Louise Parker couldn’t even eke out a nomination for lead actress, Perkins isn’t going to win for a supporting role.

Outstanding Guest Actor In A Comedy Series

• Patrick Stewart as Himself (Extras)
  
• Ben Stiller as Himself (Extras)
  
• Martin Sheen as Harvey (Two And A Half Men)
  
• Alec Baldwin as Malcolm (Will & Grace)
  
• Leslie Jordan as Beverley Leslie (Will & Grace)

Left Out: Giovanni Ribisi (My Name is Earl)
Should Win: Patrick Stewart
Will Win: Alec Baldwin

Martin Sheen playing Charlie Sheen’s dad gets an Emmy nomination? Gee, that’s a stretch. Patrick Stewart was a lot funnier than Stiller on Extras, but Baldwin will take the “slumming movie stars rock!” vote as a memorial to all the time and effort Will & Grace spent getting guest stars who added nothing to the show.

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Comedy Series

• Shirley Knight as Phyllis Van de Kamp (Desperate Housewives)
  
• Kate Winslet as Herself (Extras)
  
• Cloris Leachman as Ida (Malcolm In The Middle)
  
• Laurie Metcalf as Cora (Monk)
  
• Blythe Danner as Marilyn Truman (Will & Grace)

Left Out: Juliette Lewis and Brett Butler (My Name Is Earl)
Should Win: Kate Winslet
Will Win: Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet was so goddamn funny in her turn on Extras I just about fell off my couch laughing. Far and away the high point of the series. The only competition I would have given her was either Juliette Lewis’s lunatic bounty hunter or Brett Butler as Joy’s mom (“Don’t judge me!” is the great uncaught catchphrase of 2006), but neither was even nominated, so it’s Winslet in a walk.


All righty, that's about it. Please feel free to disagree with me or point out people I missed in the comments.

Good Question

Just got an email from my dad about the Emmys:

Congratulations on your show being nominated for an Emmy for Best Drama Series. And who is Christopher Meloni?

Dad

Seriously, the acting noms look like they came from another planet this year. Stockard Channing for Out of Practice? Are you fucking KIDDING?

I may have further comments on the Emmy nominatons later, but now I have to get back to work.

I Have Frozen Peas On My Ankle

Perhaps I should have brought an extra beer with me, to kill the pain of walking back from the fireworks to my friend's apartment.

Of course, perhaps I shouldn't have walked to the fireworks in the first place.

Tomorrow's going to be fun!

Ah, The Sounds Of The Fourth

If there are this many illegal fireworks going off in my neighborhood tonight, tomorrow's going to be hilarious.

Huzzah For The Shopkeep!

While picking up several cases of beer for the impending 4th of July BBQ-O-Rama, I noticed that Fat Tire, one of my favorite beers anywhere, has finally made its way into Ralph's.

I think this is the first time I've ever actually thanked the manager of a supermarket for carrying a product.

More Elevator Fun

I wonder what the eloquent elevator debaters in my building will have to say about this note that was in the elevator when I got home:

Things You Do Not Want To Hear From Your Doctor

A couple fun scenes from my visit to the orthopedist this morning:

As I limp my way into the exam room from the waiting room:

Doctor: (surprised) You're limping!
Me: Yeah, I sprained my ankle. I thought you'd heard.

Later, during the exam:

Doctor: I'm not pleased with how slowly this is progressing.
Me: Well, neither am I, but...uh, aren't you supposed to help with that?

Bottom line: If it's not substantially better in 2 weeks, I have to have an MRI. He wanted to do one today, but my assurances that despite how slowly it's getting better, it is, in fact, improving, managed to allay it for 2 weeks.

However, the subtext of his concern is is that if it gets to the point where I need an MRI, I probably have some serious tendon damage.

Yaaaaaay!

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Sleater-Kinney on "indefinite hiatus"? Son of a BITCH.

Tech Update

The problem with Safari borking up the page whenever there are comments is officially fixed. Woo!

So, How Was Your Day?

I present to you this link, with my only comment being: I think it was a slow news day today.

My Neighbors Are Third Graders

When the resident manager of my apartment building has something she needs to communicate to everyone, she posts a notice in the elevator.

Usually, it gets defaced after a couple of days, usually by people who are displeased by its decree, and those who disagree with them ("How many fucking times do you have to turn the water off during the day?!" "Until the leak is fixed, moron").

That's people blowing off steam about things they don't like, so I at least sort of understand that. There's certainly more productive ways to express your displeasure, but I understand expressing it for all to see.

But it's gotten ridiculous with the resident manager's most recent posting. Here's how it started out looking:

[Super] has a new cell phone!
If you need to reach him, call [number].

Thank you!

Totally innocuous, nothing to piss anyone off. I think it went up Friday.

Last night, it looked like this:

[Super] has a new cell phone!
If you need to reach him, call [number].
For a good time^
Thank you!

Juvenile, and probably a hint that we'd all been staring at that sign too long. But then, someone had to get all offended sometime today:

[Super] has a new cell phone!
If you need to reach him, call [number].
For a good time^ <--ASSHOLE!
Thank you!

I mean really, the "for a good time" was scratched through so thoroughly I'm surprised it didn't damage the elevator.

How unstable do you have to be to fly off the handle at something that fucking stupid? Urge to move...rising...

I (Heart) Ian McShane

I fucking love, love, love Ian McShane's performance as the spectacularly foul-mouthed Machiavelli of the Wild West, Al Swearengen on Deadwood.

And then, I read his comments about Deadwood basically getting cancelled, and I grew to love him even more:

"I thought the whole thing was handled shabbily," the actor says by phone from Los Angeles. "But what the f-, HBO and 'Deadwood' have been very good to me. [The show's] Al Swearengen has been one of the great characters of my career.

"However, I think what's been lost in everybody slapping each other on the back, with a possible two two-hour movies to wrap up the series after this season, is that 'Deadwood' is one of the most acclaimed series on TV. A truly great show. So I was initially shocked. And now I'm sad."

...

"You'll never know what the f- really happened," he says. "And we'll see if the two-hour movies come to fruition or not. Part of me prefers it to six one-hour shows, because in a two-hour movie you can play with space and time and cover more material. But I do find it hard to believe that anyone wouldn't think that the onset of a new series by David Milch [creator of "Deadwood," as well as "NYPD Blue"] might not affect the old one."
...

"But the f-ing story of 'Deadwood' wasn't finished, man. So I'm sad about it being canceled like this."

So the fuck are the rest of us, Ian.

Well, That's Encouraging

Apparently, the portion of the San Andreas fault that runs through Los Angeles is just about ready to go, though nobody can actually predict when that will happen.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd rather just not know these things if I can't get at least a ballpark prediction on when I should stock up on water and MREs.

Television! Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover!*

I'm realizing what a ridiculous amount of television I watch becuse there's not much on right now.

Granted, my favorite fucking show on television is back, but that's a bit melancholy because it's the final season.

But other than that, the Closer, and Rescue Me (which has been maddeningly inconsistent this season), there ain't much worth watching in primetime.

For most people, 3 primetime shows they watch consistently would be a normal thing during the television season. For some, it'd be a heavy load.

For me, I have no idea what to do with all the time I usually spend watching TV. Particularly during the fall premiere season, I'm usually watching 10-15 different shows at any one time.

I mean, I do work in television and to a certain extent should be watching these shows so I can follow what's going on in the industry, so at some point I can create a show and make a jillion dollars.

But right now, seeing how much time goes down the drain as I watch, I realize that I really need to get out of the damn house.

*- I'd like to clarify that this is a Simpsons quote, and not my actual opinon. I'm not quite that bad yet.

Life Limped Along At Subsonic Speeds

Today was not fun. A part of my foot that didn't hurt before started to hurt like a motherfucker, and it's a part that the brace that I wear puts a lot of pressure on.

Consequently, I was in pain and thus distracted and all in all pretty much about as useful as a potted plant all day. The clock just wouldn't fucking move, either.

And you know what's worse, by far, than all of that shit? I now have that FUCKING STUPID BAD DAY SONG stuck in my head.

Someone needs to invent a way to unhear songs. It's a very catchy song in the absolute worst way possible. And I cannot. Make it. Stop.

I even tried the one song that usually dislodges anything stuck in my head: The Presidents of the United States of America's "Lump."

The idea is to replace the catchy, annoying song with a catchy, good song. But the FUCKING AWFUL SONG will not budge. And yes, it's so bad, it necessitates caps lock.

Please, someone, make it stop.

Let The Whining Commence!

7am physical therapy is a tool of the devil, sent from the deepest, darkest depths of hell.

Test

This is a test of the emergency blog unfucking system.

Update: There's something screwy in the Haloscan code that's making the blog act weird in Safari. I'll fix it when I get home.

Update Update, 9:40pm: Ok, I can't quite figure out what's going on, but it looks like the comment code is fighting with the way Safari reads whether there's an RSS feed for the page. Sadly, it's definitely nothing I can fix.

What I suggest to my Safari-based friends is to subscribe to the RSS feed until either Haloscan or Apple unfucks their code, since the RSS appears to be unaffected.

Each post's individual page that you access by clicking the item in an RSS feeder seems to work fine, and you can access comments that way.

Or you can just play chicken with the reload/stop button. That's a bit more sporting.

Pop Goes The Toaster

My toaster is amusing. No, wait, hear me out!

The springs are severely overwound, since it's apparently supposed to mostly be toasting bagels and other large bread items. Those pop up a bit more perkily than usual, but not so you'd really notice.

However, when I toast bread, the bread goes flying out of the toaster, at least a foot in the air.

My timing has actually gotten to the point that I can catch it with a plate as it falls back down like they do in cartoons and movies.

I've only recently started toasting bread in it (I usually toast frozen waffles), and I laugh my ass off everytime the bread soars ungracefully into the air.

Fuck, Yeah

I'd almost forgotten about this fucking brilliant site about my favorite cocksucking show on television, The Number of Fucks in Deadwood. They also have a fucks-to-cocksuckers ratio for you curious types.

Edit: On a somewhat related note, Louis C.K. has a new show on HBO, and it forces me to wonder: How could such a hilarious guy make such a blatantly unfunny sitcom?

Dear Upstairs Neighbors

I appreciate that you've now stopped, but what the fuck were you doing earlier?

It sounded like you were breaking up the floorboards with a sledgehammer, then using that same sledgehammer to whang away on random pipes.

Seriously, were you up there creating a modern art sculpture? Were you trying and failing to assemble something? Or just getting out some agression?

I'm really kind of curious.

And Now, For Something Despicably Adorable

What happens when you combine people with too much time on their hands, a MacBook with Front Row, and a hyperactive kitten?


I cannot. stop. watching. this video. God, I am such a fucking girl.

Thanks to Gizmodo for pointing it out.

Mystery Solved

I drive by this thing almost every day, and I always wondered what the hell those tiles were covering up.

"Oil derrick" was never a contender. Shows what I know, I suppose.

Thanks to Joel for pointing this out.

Awww.

The people I work with rock.

They sent over a basket of "eat this and you'll feel much better" food (including, much to my amusement since I'm hopping around all day, bunny rabbit-shaped pasta) and a very nice card from everyone wishing me a speedy recovery.

I also enjoy that many of them have similarly twisted senses of humor. The note on the card from my friend Mike:

Ellen,
I hope your foot heals faster than that bear you wrestled. Because if he can walk before you can, he'll come and find you to finish the job. And that's not cool.
Mike

I am totally changing the story of how I injured myself to "wrestled a bear." Stephen Colbert would be proud.

Three Things That Make Me Glad

1. I live in a building with an elevator. Never before have I been so grateful for this.

2. I live in a time and a place where I can order my groceries online and have them delivered directly to me. I would have been super, super-fucked without that one.

3. My cat thinks my crutches are the World's Largest Cat Toy. Even bigger than his hilariously oversized mouse. It is absolutely hilarious to watch him bat at my crutches, although it's slighly less funny to have him do this when I'm trying to use them to hop around.

Open Mouth, Insert (Broken) Foot

Over the course of the last couple of days, I have been reminded no less than five times by my dad and my stepmom that each of them, on seperate occasions, broke a foot.

They have also reminded me that in both cases, the break did not show up on the initial x-ray.

I cannot tell you how tremendously reassuring their reminders are.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink the gallon of milk Vons delivered earlier directly out of the container.

1000 Words

I'm home, but I'm way too tired to post anything of substance. Instead, I give you this image that sums up the last couple days:

Hey, Civilization!

I'm now in Durango, CO, which looks like Tokyo compared to the places I've been the last couple nights.

I cracked and got a hotel room so I can be rested for rafting tomorrow, a decision reinforced by the paddling test I took tonight.

The main part of the test was "We're going to throw you out in a Class III to make sure you don't freak out."

All well and good, but god DAMN, that water was cold. I was very, very, very glad I got to take a hot shower after that.

I think I might be getting to old to go more than a day without a shower. I suppose 25 is the upper limit for living like a dirty hippie being acceptable.

Anyway, I'll post more about rafting tomorrow if I manage to make it through without getting myself killed. Happy birthday to me!

S-M-R-T

Tonight's my first night camping, and there's a few things I now realize it might have been smart to bring with me:

- Any sort of eating utensil (though a nice group in an RV was kind enough to spot me a spoon)

- Trail mix that doesn't have loose chocolate and peanut butter chips that melt into soup in the 100 degree heat (I'm now eating it with the aforementioned spoon).

- Bug spray (I somehow managed to bring calamine lotion to treat bug bites, but nothing to actually prevent them).

- A pillow (got one for five bucks at Target in Vegas).

and my personal favorite:

- A sleeping bag (eh, I've got a tarp I can just use as a blanket, and it's hot anyway).

I suppose this is what I get for planning this trip in the most half-assed fashion possible. At this point, I'm almost surprised I managed to bring a tent.

On the plus side, Zion National Park is beautiful, and I'm going to the north rim of the Grand Canyon tomorrow. So I suppose it all evens out.

Vegas Update 3: Final Damage Report

Time back to room: 4:30am.

Sun up when returning?: No.

Overall gambling status: Down 225 (Thanks, Four Queens! No thanks, Tropicana, Luxor, Golden Nugget or Treasure Island!)

Free drinks scored: 2 (didn't start drinking til properly hydrated...at 3am).

People going to bed same time as me: None.

People outlasting me: Laz, Christin.

Moral of the story: The Luxor is teh Sux0r.

Vegas Update 2: A Little Worse For Wear

Time back to room: 1:45am.

Sun up when returning?: No.

Overall gambling status: Down 95 (No thanks New York New York, Paris, Luxor or Aladdin!)

Free drinks scored: 3 (but quit drinking at 3pm due to lunch disagreeing with me and major dehydration from the fact that Vegas is hotter than the surface of the sun. Otherwise would have been at least 20).

People going to bed same time as me: None.

People outlasting me: Uh....everyone.

Moral of the story: Today was not my day.

Vegas Update 1

Time back to room: 6:30am

Sun up when returning?: Yes.

Overall gambling status: Up 55 bucks (Thanks, Monte Carlo! No thanks, MGM Grand!)

Free drinks scored: At least 7.

People going to bed same time as me: Laz, Christin.

People outlasting me: None.

On The Road Again

Roadtrip '06 is upon me!

I'll be in Vegas for Viva Laz Vegas, then wandering around in the wilds of Utah, Colorado, and possibly Arizona.

I'll be spending my 25th birthday trying not to get myself killed while doing some light whitewater rafting.

Blogging will be even more limited than it has been, since I'm (gasp!) leaving my laptop here. However, I'll have my Swiss Army Phone with me, so I might get one or two things up from the road.

I'll be back when I start getting the DT's from not having internet access, so in about two weeks. Have fun, y'all!

Isn't Hollywood Funny, America?!

CNN posted about a 1,000 word story on celebrities who hook up while on film sets, and it's full of the usual vapid "analysis" of why people do what they do.

The one thing CNN left out, that leads to hookups not just of stars, but of a hell of a lot of crew members? On film sets, you work anywhere from 12 to 20 hour days, 5 to 6 days a week.

You spend that much time with the same people, I don't care who you are or what you do, you're gonna end up thinking someone you work with would look a lot better naked.

Hmmm...

I leave Friday for a two-week vacation. I should probably crack the guidebook about where I'm planning on going, shouldn't I?

In Other Baseball News

Between innings at the game, they showed video of Bonds passing the Babe, and everyone in the stadium booed heartily, myself included.

Go O's!

Cleo and I went to the O's-Angels game out in Anaheim, and I remembered how much I love baseball. Especially when my team wins.

Cleo and her rental car took off after the 8th to beat the traffic, but I stayed until the end, which was very fun. Especially because of how the bottom of the 9th played out.

It was 7-5 O's heading into the bottom of the 9th. The O's manager had long since been tossed for arguing a foul ball, so I was not optimistic that the O's would actually pull it out.

Then the Angels' leadoff hitter got a triple. Then that guy got knocked in with a sacrifice. Finally, they (wisely) walked hot-hitting Vladimir Guerrero to load the bases.

And then, the most remarkable thing happened: Garrett Anderson grounded into a double play to end the game, with the O's winning 7-6.

And I shouted a shout of happiness, realized I was one of about 10 people in O's jerseys in the entire stadium, and ran like hell for my car.

Fun With International Politics

However silly Congress gets, I don't think it can beat this Czech Health Minister Sissy-boy Slap Party.

Although it'd certainly be amusing to see them try.

24 Finale Thoughts

I think just two hours of the clip played here on a loop would have been a lot more satisfying and entertaining than that crap-ass finale.

I mean granted, given the corner they wrote themselves into, there wasn't a ton they could do with it. But wow, they really didn't even try.

I think this whole season would have been much better as a 10-minute preview for next season. Just cut out all the shit with the nerve gas and the questionably Russian terrorists, and just have what happened in the last 5 minutes happen.

That would have nicely set up what I pray will be a much, much better season next year. Everyone has an off year, I just hope this is 24's only one.

Marketing Question

How did a casino get named the Morongo Casino Resort? I mean, I realize it is operated by the Morongo Indians, and they're happy to have a symbol of tribal pride...

But I can't be the only person who parses the casino name as the "Moron, Go" Casino Resort. Didn't anyone notice that in the branding discussion?

Nerd Alert!

I think I just figured out what I'm doing Saturday.

Someone cue up "She Blinded Me With Science".

Go, Hippies

This is a bit weird.

My boss's assistant's boyfriend's roommate is one of the winners of this edition of The Amazing Race. He's the wee dark-haired hippie, not the gangly red-haired hippie.

I haven't met the hippies, but I do find the connection quite strange, given how huge a fan of the Race I've been the last couple years.

And to answer Joel's hilarious question, no, none of them knows Kevin Bacon.

A Modest Proposal

A lunch run to Beverly Hills that had me pulling my hair out at the incompetence of people who drive astoundingly expensive cars gave me a thought:

I think if you're going to purchase a car that costs more than $100,000, you should have to take a driving test before they let you take it home.

Because if you can afford a fucking $100,000 car, you can certainly afford to learn how to drive the fucking thing.

Dispatch From The Japanese Bureau

My friend Miyuki on her most recent trip to visit her parents in Japan:

click to enlarge

Here's her description of the building:

Me: the picture of you in front of that store is great
Miyuki: btw, the White Trash Charms is in the most expensive building in Tokyo
Miyuki: that's where friggin' billionaires live
Miyuki: and the T-shirt's 150 bucks
Miyuki: no joke
Me: you're shitting me
Miyuki: that's where the Goldman Sachs Tokyo office is
Miyuki: no I'm not, that's why it was soooooooooo funny
Miyuki: I was floored

God, I love that picture.

Attack Of The '80s

In honor of Mother's Day, I present the following, which was dug up by the folks at Vidiotbox:

Click here to watch this on YouTube

I don't think I've ever been as glad, for the sake of humanity's collective vision, that the 80s are over. My retinas...they burn.

I Am A Goddess Of Car Stereo Installation

It only took two bike rides (to a hardware store for a wee tiny screwdriver and to a music shop for a mini to RCA patch cord) and two calls to Crutchfield (one to figure out how to get my car into low gear when it's not running so I could get the stereo out without hitting the gearshift, and one to figure out that I needed said mini to RCA patch cord).

But it is done: I have successfully installed a car stereo! I am rather surprised that I was able to do this, but quite happy that I managed to.

As promised, pictures. First, the "before" of the giant mess of my car before this started:


And then the "during" photo, when I realized, oh shit, I'm actually going to try and do this:


And finally, the fruit of my labors, and the proof that it works. The "after" picture:


Hooray! And it took under four hours (not counting my bike rides), which was my goal. I'm going to go reward myself with a beer.

Ego Stultus Sum*

I've wanted to replace the head unit in my car for a while, but I recently actually went into the process of pricing things out.

While doing so, I got convinced by Crutchfield that, with their spiffy instructions, I could do it myself.

Seemed like a good idea, since nobody in my area sold the head unit I wanted, and then if I couldn't do it, I could just go to a car stereo shop and get someone to install it, which I would have been paying for anyway.

Right.

All the equipment arrived via my friendly local UPS guy today, and I have to say, I think I might possibly be in WAY over my head.

Before and after (and possibly after after, depending on how badly I fuck up the install) pictures to come.

*- Latin, meaning "I am foolish," derived from the Onion's Latin motto of Tu Stultus Es (You are dumb).

The Good Kind Of Sick

Remember how I was bitching about being really sick when I was in Kansas City? Turns out that could have been a good thing.

Someone brought their child, who had a lovely stomach virus, to the Bat Mitzvah, and subsequently almost everyone else who attended it has come down with the same virus.

My dad, my stepmom, all my stepsiblings, most of their kids and spouses, and any number of the other guests, all with a very, very nasty stomach virus that leaves its host with no energy, severe nausea and digestive issues, and no respite.

Me? I'm fine. Still fighting off the last of the cold, but eating fine and with no digestive issues and never a hint of nausea.

The going theory is that the antibodies that were attacking my cold virus came and kicked the crap out of the stomach bug before it had a chance to do anything.

It's a damn good thing I was sick, or I really could have gotten sick.

Music For The Rejected

On my way home from a friend's barbecue, where I met a very cute and very nice girl who very nicely shot me down, my iPod decided to mock we with the following playlist:

The Temptations - Can't Get Next To You
Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
Radiohead - Idioteque
Violent Femmes - Kiss Off
Jill Sobule - Rock Me To Sleep

I believe this falls under the "hate" category of my love/hate relationship with technology...

Errata

Firstly, I paid $43.50 for a tank of gas. The most I've ever paid before for a tank was $39.50, a week after Katrina. I don't really have any comment on that, it's just so absurd, I had to share.

Lastly, I forgot one thing from KC that the Jews may appreciate more than most, but it's pretty amusing for all.

They had a group of musicians at the temple, playing the sung prayers and assorted other religious songs. That in and of itself is not that unusual.

What was so unusual, you ask? The fact that the band had a fiddler and a banjo player amongst its members.

I think that was the only time Ein Keloheinu has ever been turned into a hoedown.

Dispatches From Kasnas City

A few notes and CrapCam photos from Kansas City.

Note #1: When having a progressively more irritating cough for two days before you get on a plane, do not get on the plane without taking enough antibiotics to kill anything that comes into your immune system.

Otherwise you end up like me right now, coughing like crazy with sinuses trying to make an unauthorized exit through the front of my skull. Not fun.

Photo #1: My dad and Ray Ann's uncle Steve at the dinner for out of town guests friday night:


I did not think there could possibly be two people crazy enough to buy that ugly shirt. Clearly, I was wrong.

Dad's recently developed a habit of buying some incredibly ugly shirts, and the shirt he wore the next night (with Ray Ann's matching outfit) didn't help.

They learned their lesson on asking me for my honest opinion when I told them that they looked like a pack of easter egg dye blew up on them. There is no photo of that, because I don't want y'all to go blind.

Note #2: When going to a bar or bat mitzvah, make sure you find out in advance what branch of Judaism the Jews in question belong to (Reform, Conservative, or Orthodox).

I got quite the nasty surprise when I went to what I thought was a 1-hour Reform service and ended up at a 3-hour Conservative service, coughing my head off in front of my stepsister's family's congregation.

Photo #2: Ah, the Jews and their humor:


Outside Temple Beth Shalom, Kansas City, Missouri.

Note #3: We stayed in Overland Park, Kansas, not far from where my stepsister lives and even closer to the world headquarters of the Sprint Nextel corporation.

On behalf of myself and everyone else who's ever had to deal with their spectacularly shitty customer service, I ceremoniously flipped them off as we drove by.

And my Sprint phone, for some reason, refused to take a picture of it. Funny, that...

Travel Advisory

I'm going to be in Kansas City for my stepniece's bat mitzvah this weekend.

I'll be back Sunday if I don't die of boredom. I'm afraid you'll have to entertain yourselves until then.

Breaking Out The World's Tiniest Violin

Bill Gates wishes he wasn't so rich.

You know, I think I know a couple of people who'd be happy to take some of that money off his hands.

Poll Time!

Ok, so, I'm thinking about moving. It may not be for a while since theoretically my lease runs through September (although I think my landlord would love to rent my place out for way more than I'm paying for it, so I suspect I might be able to persuade them to let me out early).

Here's why I think I should move:

1. I hate my next door neighbors, and I'm fairly sure they're not going anywhere anytime soon.

2. My neighborhood has approximately nothing within walking distance, which I've become increasingly irritated with lately.

3. I've lived here for almost 3 years, and I'm getting bored.

4. If I lived closer to the beach, I'd exercise more because I could get to the beach with far less fear of getting hit by a car when I went in the dark and/or fog.

5. I think if I pay a couple hundred bucks more a month (which I will *knock wood* soon be able to afford) I can get either a much nicer place or a similar place in a way better location.

Here's why I think I should stay:

1. My place is a steal for the size and amenities I have, and I'm reasonably sure I can convince my landlord to keep my rent the same for at least another year if I sign a full-year lease.

2. If I stayed, I could save the extra money I'd be putting towards rent for something much more fun.

3. Moving is a HUGE pain in the ass, and I have very, very little desire to actually go through the process of moving. End result? Sure! Actually boxing three years worth of shit up and moving it to another apartment?...HELL no.

4. Chaplin might possibly kill me in my sleep when he sees the boxes.

5. The neighbors may be just as obnoxious, if not more so, wherever I move.

So, move? Stay? What do y'all think?

Okay, That's It.

Laz and Christin, you got in under the wire, and I am indeed happy for you. But I'm drawing a line in the sand. Right here, right now.

The rest of y'all, STOP GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING CHILDREN.

Too many people I know are marrying and reproducing, and my brain cannot handle the levels of cognitive dissonance this trend is causing.

I still feel like a kid, and I strongly feel that we kids should not get married. Granted, I still live like a college student, so that probably contributes to my complete and total lack of maturity.

I mean, I'm making small steps towards adulthood: I bought a real couch. I bought it weeks ago, although it won't arrive until next weekend. But for me, this was a huge, almost unfathomable step.

The idea that increasing numbers of y'all consider yourselves mature enough to get married and/or reproduce is really beginning to unnerve me.

It's certainly an "It's Not You, It's Me" thing, but I feel I should really at least attempt to make the following entirely unreasonable demands in order to try and maintain my rapidly fading grip on my sanity:

Anyone who is already engaged or married or has kid(s), you are grandfathered in. If you are engaged, you may get married (take your time).

If you are married and/or have kids, you may have one (1) more child in the next three (3) years. I have high hopes that in three years I'll be able to handle this a little better.

But until then, the rest of you lot, HELP ME STOP THIS MADNESS.

Cut to: Two days from now when there are two more engagement announcements and a "Hey, we eloped!" postcard in my mailbox and at least one blog post announcing a pregnancy.

I Can't Explain

I may work for House, but I have absolutely no idea why our opening credits music was playing under a crucial scene in Prison Break tonight.

It worked in context, but damn, that was distracting.

Crazy Cat Lady Time!

Chaplin's been waking me up at 4:30 the last few mornings to stare me in the face then bite me on the nose once I wake up, so I thought perhaps I should get him something new to amuse himself with.

I went to the pet store and found this awesome giant mouse/scratching post that's stuffed to the gills with catnip, and here's what Chaplin thinks of it:


After the jump, more pictures to prove I am turning into a crazy cat lady, courtesy of the CrapCam.

Perspective

I bitch about $3.25 a gallon gas, but in Britain, it's a bit worse:

Graham, 48, a London building contractor, pointed at the price on the pump -- the equivalent of $6.62 a gallon, which means it costs him $125 to fill his tank.

Ouch.

Tiki Tips

A few tips from Tiki Night with co-workers last night at the Tiki Ti:

1. Tiki Night should not take place on a night where you have to work the next day. You will be sorry.

2. Make sure you eat something nice and greasy before Tiki Night commences. I did not obey this rule, and I am currently paying the price.

3. Do not, particularly after having a Space Pilot and a Vicious Virgin, decide that you should order an Uga Booga to hear your co-workers and the rest of the bar chanting its name.

4. Definitely do not drink the Uga Booga. There's enough Myers Dark Rum in there to stun an elephant.

5. Note what normally serene co-workers are shouting at a large group of screeching girls to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" It makes for entertaining office banter in the morning.

Historical Inquiry

Is it too late in history to take idiots like these people and behead them and put their heads on pikes as a warning to others who would follow the same path?

Priya...received a Mercedes convertible and an assortment of diamond jewelry for her birthday. Her sister's graduation gift package included a Bentley, diamonds and two homes in India.

"I was really surprised," Divya said, "because I was only expecting a Bentley and one house."

and (and!):

Sophie was just as quick to defend her mother's decision to spend $180,000 for her party. "Unless they were crazy or hated their child, any parent who was financially able would do it," she said.

Dude, your party cost more than my entire (not inexpensive) college education! Please, for the love of God, buy yourself some perspective!

I've heard a theory that shows like My Super-Sweet 16 are going to incite the proletariat into bloody revolution.

People like these schmucks make me think that might not necessarily be a bad idea.

Organizized

Looking back at the many changes in my life over the last few years, one's been sticking out like a sore thumb to me recently.

Since when have I become obsessed with being organized?

My apartment is spotless. This has never happened in a place where I live...ever.

My desk at work is clean every night, even though since we finished shooting and the ADs no longer need to use it at night, it's not necessary.

We're moving a lot of stuff around at work, and nothing makes me happier than making a room as efficient and organized with everything as easily accessible as possible.

I partially blame Lifehacker, a tremendously useful little site that's got thousands of tips on how to get your ass organized but quick. It's great, but I've gotten addicted to trying out all their little productivity ideas.

I'm not to the point where I'm reading other "organizational porn" like 43 Folders or, God forbid, the Getting Things Done system they relentlessly flog. But the mere fact that I know what these things are is somewhat disturbing.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Signs You May Have Purchased Too Much Frozen Food

You have to not only eat some of it for dinner (thus defeating the eat-it-whenever point of purchasing frozen food), but you have to move vodka out of your freezer in order to make room for all of it.

Or perhaps that's a sign you have too much booze in your house, that the vodka is taking up that much room in the freezer.

Maybe you should drink more.

Thoughts On The Sentinel

If you think you're interested in seeing this movie, stay home and watch an episode of 24 instead.

It's the same general concept: Someone wants to kill the President. Kiefer must stop them before they do.

Ostensibly, Michael Douglas also must do so, but he spends about two thirds of the movie running around like a chicken with its head cut off, and thus, it falls to Kiefer to actually do the stopping.

And though it's a two-hour movie instead of an hour-long episode, Douglas's actions make no sense for about an hour of the movie, so you're back to an hour of watchable film.

Granted, nothing on 24 has made much sense recently, but at least they keep things moving at a brisk enough pace to keep you from pointing out how ridiculous it is until after the episode is over, whereas I was mentally deconstructing this movie by the end of the first act.

But really, this is just an extended episode of 24 where Kiefer wears a really weirdly cut suit for the whole day. Save your ten bucks and just watch 24.

Too. Damn. Cute.

I hate that I like Cute Overload, especially since their super-precious writing style drives me totally nuts. But how can you resist pictures like this:


It's so fucking cute, I feel the need to go hug my cat after looking at it. There's something terribly wrong about that.

Ugh, I feel dirty. I think I have to link to this scary-ass post from Go Fug Yourself to try and counterbalance this disgusting display of cuteness.

Products America Doesn't Need

While watching the Daily Show, I saw an ad for Easy Mac Cups.

The theory is that there seems to be something standing between Americans and their Easy Mac: The need for a bowl. Solution? Have the company provide the bowl with the packaging.

Are we so fucking lazy as a country that we have to make "takes two minutes to cook!" Easy Mac even easier?

At that point, why doesn't Kraft just add water to it? Then all the consumer would have to do is put it in the microwave! God, marketing in this country is ridiculous.

I also found it ironic that the ad ran during a Daily Show where Jon Stewart interviewed the author of a book on competitive eating, and they spent a lot of the time talking about how the rising popularity of competitive eating is becoming a symbol for our country's moral bankrupcy.

So what do we advertise? A product that makes it even easier for Americans to collectively sit back and gorge ourselves silly with dehydrated processed cheese food. Awesome.

Sixth Grade

You know, I don't miss much about sixth grade, since I really kind of hated it at the time.

However, there are a few things that were so much damn simpler then, and I think should be brought back in adulthood.

Like the following note, a common item passed back and forth in my sixth grade class:

Do you like me? Check one.
[ ] Yes [ ] No [ ] Maybe

I really think the return of this type of thing would make life a lot less complicated.

Fun With PostSecret

PostSecret is a fascinating site which people anonymously mail homemade postcards to as a sort of group therapy to get secrets off their chests.

While it can often be somewhat depressing, it can also be quite amusing. And sometimes, it can also be a little on the nose:


I'd like to note that I did not send this in. But I can't say I disagree with its sentiments.

Damn Neighbors

It is the perfect illustration of my luck this week that my upstairs neighbors would be moving today starting at 9am, starting with the portion of their stuff directly over my bed with a skateboard dolly on a hardwood floor.

Over my bed, which contained my exhausted, slightly hung over ass, which went to bed at 3:30 after finally managing to pull off a party I've been working on for months for work.

With a skateboard dolly on a hardwood floor.

Anybody got any Excedrin?

Bwaaaah?

I have a day off tomorrow because it's Good Friday, and it's a Union holiday at the show.

I'm so confused by this idea of actual paid weekdays off, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.

Small Victories

I had a colossally bad day today (which I'm not going to go into here), but I did have one minor moment of triumph.

I borrowed a tool from the wardrobe department and added more holes to my belt, because I've finally lost enough weight that my belt was too big.

It really doesn't make up for the buckets of bullshit I put up with today, but at least it's something to keep me from crawling into a hole for about the next six months.

Let's Face It

Laz's post on some facial recognition software remdinded me that I'd wanted to try this out. So I uploaded three photos of myself, and here are the results:

First Photo, wherein I look like comedians, drunks, or terrible singers:
74% Sarah Silverman
68% Charlie Chaplin (ironic, considering my cat)
67% Benicio Del Toro (what?)
66% Robbie Williams
62% Michael J. Fox
62% Britney Spears (NOOOOOOO!)
61% Elizabeth Taylor
61% Calista Flockhart (what?)
61% Zsa Zsa Gabor

Second Photo, wherein I look retro and/or bearded:
67% Henry Fonda
64% Imelda Marcos
61% Arnold Palmer
61% Bam Margera (what?)
60% Monica Lewinsky (oh dear god...)
59% Pedro Martinez (what?)
57% Priscilla Presley
56% Gina Lollabrigida

Third Photo, wherein I look like I could lead a nation or an Olympic Committee:
61% Francisco Franco
61% Winston Churchill
61% Rupert Grint (Ron from the Harry Potter movies)
58% Gwenyth Paltrow
52% Frida Kahlo (Hey! I don't have a unibrow!)
52% Ashton Kutcher
51% Juan Antonio Samaranch
47% Eddie Murphy (what?)

I've never been told I look like any of these people. In most cases, that's a good thing (although I could work with Sarah Silverman or Gina Lollabrigida).

What intrigues me is that not one of these photos has the one person I've had at least five different people tell me I vaguely resemble: Kate Winslet.

Achtung, Filler

The LA Times sure knows how to ask the critical questions.

Nerds + Pranks = Fun

This story about M.I.T. students who stole CalTech's cannon cracked me up.

It vaguely reminded me of an old George Carlin gag where he's reading off football scores: "Cal Tech, 14.5, M.I.T, 3 to the 4th power!"

For The Music-Obsessed With Some Time On Their Hands

I realize I'm doing exactly what marketers want me to, but this is too much fun and way too maddening not to pass along:

click to enlarge

My co-workers and I managed to find about 55 bands on there. There are allegedly 75, and I'm positivley stumped.

I'll give you a chance to drive yourself insane, but after the jump, I'll tell you what we found, some stuff I personally suspect, and some other stuff I can't figure out.


Ones we came up with at work that we're fairly sure about:
black crowes, led zeppelin; b52s, gorillaz, spoon, queen, the sex pistols, prince, eels, white zombie, seal, the pixies, guns n roses, lemonheads, cranberries, blind melon, dinosaur jr., the vines, the cars, rolling stones, eagles, alice in chains, blur, smashing pumpkins, matchbox 20, phish, deep purple, scissor sistors, ratt, great white, jane's addiction, cowboy junkies, u2, black flag, dead kennedys, the go-gos, television, crowded house, the beach boys, jewel, 50 cent, red hot chili peppers, korn, whitesnake, the postal service, iron maiden, radiohead, manic street preachers, hole, the police, nine inch nails, madonna, garbage, the doors.

Things I think might work:
The two bloodspattered guys with guitars as the Killers, the trees at the top of the hill as Screaming Trees.

Things I'm convinced are significant but can't figure out how:
The two chicks making out against the lamppost; the girl blowing a big bubble on the balcony; the three pineapples; the guys on the roof; the guy in yellow leaning against the wall of the shop; the inflatable doll in the shop; the acrobats in the middle of the street (one person at work thinks that's Twisted Sister, i'm unconvinced) and the three graffiti symbols aligned vertically on the building.

UPDATE: These people claim they've solved it, although they also have a larger image than is on the Virgin website. Also, I still maintain that it's the Manic Street Preachers and not the Cult, but either works.

Lost, Summed Up In Two Lines of Dialogue

I love Lost, but sometimes it's maddening. I think the ethos of the show is best summed up in these two lines of dialogue from tonight's show:

Charlie: Are you going to tell me?
Eko: (pause) Not right now.

The entire show is based around the idea that you will eventually find out what's going on, but that, for your own good, you can't find out yet.

And like Charlie, the audience goes on helping, trusting that they're eventually going to find out what they're helping to build, and that it will be something really coool.

Eventually.

Siren Song

It's no secret that people here in Los Angeles have no idea how to drive in the rain, and in fact seem freaked out by the very idea that liquid could be falling from the sky.

But today, I saw (and felt) the most astounding display of L.A. driving stupidity I think I've yet witnessed.

I came to the intersection of Venice and La Cienega on my way back to the studio after a run. It was about 10am, and it was raining buckets.

I was going West on Venice Blvd (the one that runs from the top right to bottom left in that satellite photo) and I spotted an ambulance with its lights on coming North on La Cienega.

I had a green, but I managed to see it before I went into the intersection. The guy next to me zoomed straight through. And then the ambulance entered the intersection...WITHOUT TURNING ITS DAMN SIREN ON.

Because clearly, in a low visibility situation in a fucking gigantic intersection where you're trying to go against a light, the LAST thing you'd want to do is give an auditory warning, right?

So of course, the guy behind me didn't realize I'd come to a full stop for an ambulance until it was a little too late, and he hit me at about 5mph (if that...I've seriously accidentally backed into things with more force than he hit me with).

Luckily, it damaged neither us nor either of our cars, but after we pulled over to get out and look at the damage, he apologized and said "I'm sorry, I didn't even hear the siren!"

And I had to say, "That's because the idiot ambulance driver didn't turn it on!" I wasn't nearly as mad at him for actually hitting me as I was at the dipshit ambulance driver for being that colossally stupid.

What kind of fucking moron doesn't turn on the siren while going through one of the largest intersections in Los Angeles in the pouring goddamn rain?!