Caption Contest

Chaplin likes to come sit on my lap while I'm trying to read things on the computer. Fortunately, my computer has a built-in camera so I can capture him making goofy faces like this one:


If only I could figure out how to make the flash less bright so it wouldn't completely blow out his fur.

Now soliciting comments to improve upon the the title posted at Flickr (linked from the picture).

How To Increase The Chances That I Will See Your Horror Movie

Start by calling it "Mutant Zombie Vampires From the Hood!".

And actually, you can pretty much stop right there, because the title is just that awesome.

Happy 4th of July!

While you are barbecuing various items and drinking yourself silly, the Consumer Product Safety Commission (and whoever cut the CPSC's video to the soundtrack) would like to remind you to use care with your fireworks this year:



Hat tip: Consumerist.

A Glaring Omission

I realized that I haven't said anything here about the death of a man I consider one of my comedic heroes, George Carlin.

Partly, I think it's because I don't want to acknowledge that he won't be around to call everyone on their bullshit, as I hoped he'd be for the next few years.

I don't know that going through a list of my favorite routines of his would do much good, particularly with YouTube links to most of them already having floated around for the last week.

He had an incredibly intelligent take on almost everything, so I was stunned to learn while reading the voluminous obituaries that his formal education ended at the ninth grade.

He was incredibly gifted at finding the tiny absurdities in life, and dissecting them into ten minute monologues that had you falling off your couch because you were laughing so hard.

He often stayed away from political humor because of how dated it becomes, but when he did choose to address politics, it would stay relevant for years after (check out the beginning of Carlin's Jammin' In New York to see a relatively rare example).

But Carlin always had a unique take on everything, and as modern life gets more complicated and sillier, I'll miss his fantastic ability to dissect the madness.

Carlin was less than a year younger than my father, and their paths briefly crossed when the senior partner in dad's firm argued the FCC v. Pacifica Foundation case before the Supreme Court (and sadly, lost).

I think that's another reason it's hard for me to picture Carlin gone: Although Carlin fought health-destroying addictions for years and had three heart attacks, I never saw him as an old man because hell, he was younger than my dad.

He was also still constantly performing. I got my last email from Ticketmaster advertising his latest show only a couple months ago, and he had plans to tour this fall. He can't be gone, he's got gigs, and he lived to perform.

It's a damn shame his heart gave out on him well before he or we were ready for it to, but the fact that hundreds of hours of video of his comedy exist brings some solace to those of us who will miss him and his perspective terribly.

So I'll leave you with his own thoughts on death: The usual slaughtering of sacred cows, the notations of the way we address the things we fear, and the weird things we say to try to comfort other people when bad shit happens.

It's Time For Another Good Idea, Bad Idea

Courtesy of the Tenant Services folks in the building where our Production Office is located:

Good Idea: Throwing a picnic for the tenants to kick off the summer and show your appreciation of their business.

Bad Idea: Serving Chili at the picnic, to a building full of people whose office windows do not open.

I'm going to go find myself a big box of matches...

The Onion Strikes Again

Being friends with mostly theater geeks in High School, I rather enjoyed this (particularly the last line about the location of the Technical awards):


High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds

*Crickets*

Ah, the dulcet tones of the Production Office when there's a 10am call and a projected exceedingly late wrap - The fridge sadly cranking along, two keyboards clacking away as two sets of hands type bored IMs to friends lucky enough to not be stuck at work at almost 11pm on a Saturday night.

You'll notice "the drone of the air conditioner" is not included on this list because...well, it's not on. And the engineer who actually knows how to turn it on has gone home. And the windows don't open here.

I'm getting a little sleepy. And I can't leave until they wrap. This is going to be a looooong evening.

At least a) I have gotten every bit of work I possibly can out of the way, b) I did my PT exercises so I don't have to when I get home, and c) I discovered that Netflix Watch Now has the Dragnet Blue Boy episode on it. This is the most gloriously paranoid half-hour of television ever.

After watching it with the poor PA who's stuck here with me, he said, "You know, this was only fifteen years before Hill Street Blues. I can't imagine how they came that far that quickly." He's damn right.

The Best Six Bucks I've Spent in Some Time

And Now, Your Moment of Zen

Courtesy, as it often is, of the Brits and a formerly pay TV channel going free and rounding up Celebrities to make them do absurd things:



The video is titled "Ewan McGregor as a Tomato," but I was far more surprised and amused at the costume with which they managed to saddle Dame Judi Dench.

Thanks to Tomato Nation.

Edited to add: And, Ewan-as-tomato gets kicked in the crotch:

Only One W Needed

Via Defamer, the perfect one-word [over and over again] summation of being a Lost fan:



I love people with the kind of free time that allows them to put something like this together.

I Don't Know Why I Find This Amusing

I think because I'm so tired I'm finding everything funny...

Earlier tonight, a tornado went right over the headquarters of the National Weather Service, which, among many many other things, tracks tornadoes and tries to predict where they're going to go.

That must have been a fun realization: "Steve, how's that twister you're tracking?"

"Uh...RUN!"

I wonder if the NWS is like the White House, where there's an entire underground bunker that allows the place to continue to function in the event of an emergency.

That'd kind of suck if they were unable to track the tornado that was coming for your quiet Arkansas town since they were too busy...well, running for their lives.

Again, I have no idea why this entire scenario I've constructed in my head makes me giggle, but it does. I need sleep.

Website Tie-Ins Go Hilariously Insane

If you watched tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother, you will be highly, highly amused by the extremely long, hysterically funny song on this site referenced in the episode (warning: audio loads automatically).

They had way, way, way too much fun creating that. It's almost as long as the goddamn episode, but sweet lord, it's awesome.

Happy Purim!

I have no Hamentashen on hand, so instead, enjoy "Jewno":



I already knew J.K. Simmons (the dad) was awesome, but the fact that he actually appeared in this raises my opinion of him even higher.

Courtesy Defamer.

British Frog Gives A Whole New Meaning...

...to one of my favorite expletive phrases, fuck a duck.

Courtesy Dave Barry's Blog.

Nonsensical Awesomeness

The Onion has outdone itself this week:

Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies

WASHINGTON—Authorities expect the shortage to subside by April, but until then, urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until the flypaper marigolds can waterfall.

The whole thing is just outstanding, particularly if you think about Dan Rather saying all these things out loud. You know he would use each and every one if he could.

It's Only Pronounced Fee-nix

To balance out my bragging in the post below, I thought I'd share a story about how unbelievably stupid I (as well as several other people I shall not name to protect their pride) felt after bar trivia on Thursday.

The last question was fairly straightforward: There are twelve state capitals that start with the letters d, m, j, and p. Name them all.

We got eleven: Denver, Dover, Des Moines, Madison, Montgomery, Montpelier, Juneau, Jackson, Jefferson City, Pierre, and Providence. We could not, for the life of us figure out the twelfth.

We started verbally going through the capitals in a sort of map of the US: "Washington's Olympia, so no. Oregon's Salem, so no. California's Sacramento, so no."

Then we hit it: "Arizona's Phoenix, so no." We all nodded. Eight of us, over one million dollars worth of education between us. Not one of us listened to that statement and thought, "Wait, Phoenix is not spelled with an F."

We tried for five more minutes until answer sheets were demanded and then turned it in with the twelfth spot blank. I haven't felt as dumb as I did when the quizmaster identified Phoenix as our missing answer in a looooooong time.

The hell of it is, we somehow still managed to win the grand prize. We'd been doing well in an extremely tough set of rounds, so getting the eleven answers was enough.

I didn't think I'd ever be able to describe a bar trivia victory as Pyhrric, but we were so mad at ourselves, I think this qualified.

The fact that we failed in such a doofy fashion STILL bothers me four days later.

Why I Wish I Was A Cartoon Voice-Over Artist

Because then I'd get to participate in unbelievably awesome stuff like this, from the voices behind Spongebob Squarepants:



via Dave Barry's blog and BoingBoing.

Inappropriate Historical Hilarity

I saw this in a comment thread on Fark today, and I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes afterwards.


I don't know why I found this so goddamn funny, but it still makes me snicker when I look at it.

Is This Because I'm A Lesbian?

I strolled out to the mailbox today to retrieve my Netflix movies, the better to facilitate keeping my broke ass at home.

I was expecting two movies, but when I opened up the mailbox, I saw three. Huh, I thought, they must have mailed me an extra copy of the Futurama movie, which I mailed back this morning.

Not so. I opened all three movies, found the two that I was expecting...and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

I had no desire to see it, so I'd never even put it in my queue. I thought maybe it was for one of my neighbors, but no, addressed to me, sent from the same shipping center as my other movies.

I mean, perhaps the fact that one of my other movies arriving today was lesbian cult hit The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls in Love (we are not a people who are economical with our titles) might have tipped Netflix off to the fact that I'm a gay lesbian, and made them suggest this as a related movie.

Generally, however, suggestions of related movies are not mailed to you as an extra film, particularly when you have not actually requested them.

I suppose, since I really have nothing better to do, I might as well watch it, if only to see how bad it is: As bad as you'd think, not as bad as you'd think, or even worse than you'd think.

I'll post here probably tomorrow with the results of this experiment.

Post title courtesy the greatest non sequitur ever to appear on Law & Order (fast forward to about 1:50 of that video for the hilarious part of the scene).

Fun With Unfortunate Advertising

"Cashmere Mafia on ABC....Brought to you by Valtrex!"

No better marquee sponsor for a thinly disguised remake of Sex and the City than a herpes medication.

That single line by the announcer made me laugh a lot harder than anything on the actual show.

I Guess This Means I Should Buy A Hamburger Phone

I just had the fifth person I know tell me unsolicited that they watched Juno and she reminded them of me. I take it as a compliment, since I really liked the character.

However, this raises two related questions for me:

1. How much weirder does this trend make it that this movie made me have a huge crush on Ellen Page?

2. As a subquestion to the above, does that somehow make me a narcissist?

Merry Christmas

I don't know what makes me laugh more, the cat's sour look or the hand holding on the sad little Santa hat.

'Twas The Night Before Strike-mas

'Twas the night before Strike-mas, and through Hollywood
Every crew member thought, "Oy, this can't be good."

The pink slips had been rolling on in for weeks
And news only came out in rumors and leaks.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While parents sought Advil to quiet their heads

I was sitting inside, bundled in winter gear
Having turned down the heat to try remain austere

When out in the alley honked a very loud horn;
'Twas a Teamster in his five-ton, looking forlorn

I opened my window and shouted "Hey, yo!
It's after midnight, don't you have somewhere to go?"

He replied, "It's all from the Christmas episode,
Fake trees and ornaments, an entire truckload.

Our vendors were shut down, our office laid off;
Every light in town seems to be turned off."

I asked, "Can't you take the truck to the studio?"
He said, "Their lot's so full, it's got no place to go."

I said, "Let's take it to Les Moonves's house!
He ought to have room, that $30-mil-a-year louse."

"Or Chernin or Grey," he said, "Or Barry Meyer,
Maybe Zucker or Sloan, or Lynton or Iger.

They all make good money, even Patric Verrone,
And some guy I saw on TV named Gavin Polone."

So I pulled on my jeans and I pulled on my boots,
The Teamster and I were now in cahoots.

We charted a course towards Beverly Hills
Ready to get in a last few cheap thrills.

With some inside tipsters and Google Maps Mobile
We took on a task...perhaps somewhat ignoble.

I will leave out the name of the victim selected
But do rest assured, he was quite well connected

We were dressed all in black from our heads to our feet,
To flummox security guards we might meet.

But our worries were baseless, 'twas no one nearby
As the shadow of the five-ton darkened the sky

We pulled up to the gates and claimed a delivery
Our friend didn't know it was heavy artillery.

We hung a huge banner urging negotiations
And left the truck there, despite protestations.

A silly and juvenile prank, to be sure,
But since when have crew kids ever been mature?

We fled the scene and I whipped out my crackberry
And called us a taxi to someplace more merry:

To the party of one friend who still had a job
And hadn't turned into an unemployed slob.

We drank to our family and friends and moreover
To the hope this will end before hell freezes over.

---

Now I end with a plea for a wee bit of reason
Though it sometimes seems such a thing's out of season

Please stop the name-calling through press releases
And try to begin to pick up the pieces.

For Peace is the one thing we B.T.L.'s seek
And the return of our 70-hour workweek.

Though I've fled from L.A. for a Christmas that's white,
Merry Strike-mas to all, and to all a good night.

Many thanks to the providers of the Online Rhyming Dictionary, without which this would have been even sillier.

IM Fun

I hereby present a screencap of a brief conversation with a friend and former co-worker that I had yesterday that amused me greatly.

I am represented by the Santa chugging a bottle of Jack on the right, while my friend is represented by MacGyver.

That's Appropriate

So I get home from drinking with the crew because today (well, yesterday at this hour) was our last day of filming, and I grab the computer so I can read while icing my foot.

The first thing I see when I look at my RSS feeds is this from the Onion: "Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House."

So hilarious on so, so, so many levels, the most bitterly ironic of which is that many of my friends who work on the show are about to be uninsured themselves.

Bowling Notes

From last night's Office vs. Set Bowl Off: Where Strikes Are A Good Thing.

- Bowling is really hard if you've injured the foot you have to plant.

- If you have injured that foot, bowling becomes a lot easier if you just muscle the ball from off your good foot, even though it may fuck with your shoulder a bit.

- Teamsters are excellent bowlers.

- Watching rarely-drinking friends getting wasted off of one drink is even more fun when bowling is involved than at a normal party.

- Watching your co-workers jump up and down like five year olds whenever they get a strike is hilarious.

We're totally challenging another show as soon as the writers' strike is over.

Now This, I Might Have Kept Watching

From G4's Attack of the Show, a Bionic Woman parody far more entertaining than the actual show:




The Subaru bit just killed me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drive to work...in my Subaru.

Hat tip: After Ellen.

On A Lighter, More Baseball-Related Note...

Two bits of post-World Series amusement, firstly from The Onion's Sports department:

Colorado Rockies: 'What The Fuck Just Happened?'

and, courtesy of Mark, one of my favorite interweb videos in some time, answering the above question:

He Ate WHAT?!

I listen to the BBC Global News Podcast in the car while I'm schlepping various things around Los Angeles, because it's an easy way for me to maintain my goal of being reasonably informed about the rest of the world.

It's normally fairly straightforward and British and reserved, but with one rather odd story to finish up the podcast.

This video was the subject of this morning's kicker:



I have to admit, when the BBC announcer, in his velvety, dignified British tones, said "An Australian politician is caught eating his own earwax" at the top of the podcast, I burst out laughing.

Fuck Off, I'm Listening To The Onion

Today's Onion Radio News provided me, and I hope shall provide you, with a sorely needed laugh.

Audio definitely not safe for work, unless you're either wearing headphones or work in an office that wholeheartedly believes in this research.

Odd Jobs

I am not the only member of my family with a job that is a bit unusual.

My stepbrother Rob does PR for Chik-Fil-A, which is how he ended up doing the weather in a cow costume on the local Fox morning show in Atlanta.

Embarassment

...is trying to explain to my 70 year old father why this sign in Sun Valley cracks me up.

That Is The Question

Will It Blend? is a hysterically awesome series of two-minute-ish videos produced by a company that makes industrial-strength blenders for the home.

They take all sorts of shit (everything from a fruit smoothie to a rake to a bunch of old cellphones), toss it in one of their blenders, then ask the simple question, "Will it blend?"

Generally, the answer is yes, though you often don't want to breathe in the smoke created during the blending process, as it carries a slight risk of...well, fatality.

So of course, I knew they would inevitably blend and iPhone. The only question was when. The answer? Today:



They also have a great recent one of some Transformers, where the guy talks about his 25(!) grandkids and how much they enjoy watching grandpa pulverize stuff with his blender.

The Weird News Home Run

I love a category of internet flotsam that could loosely be described as Weird News. The bizarre, the hilarious, and the truly ridiculous things that happen across the globe on a daily basis. The things that give Fark a reason to exist.

There is a story today that just really hits it out of the park in terms of the elements of a truly great weird news story. This one has four key elements:

1. Stupid and/or crazy Criminals.
2. Situations that lend themselves to multiple puns.
3. Inexplicable costumes, preferably including duct tape.
4. Someone with a hilarious name commenting on the story.

I speak, of course, of the story of the New Hampshire man who decided to dress as a tree and rob a branch (har!) of a bank. That story has a picture of the lunatic gentleman involved, and his...unusual getup.

That story (from the Manchester Union-Leader, whose reporters must be grateful to have such an amusing break from covering the Presidential Primaries) has both merciless use of puns and two hilarious details.

First, the branch that was robbed bears the address of 1550 Elm Street. Secondly, and far more hilariously, the Manchester police captain commenting on the story is named Dick Tracy.

Reading that name, I find it difficult to believe the reporter didn't laugh and say, "No, seriously," when the good captain introduced himself.

I Am Twelve

Because I cannot stop giggling at this wedding announcement.

The sad thing is, I think as bad as that is, it would have been even worse had they reversed the order of the names.

Courtesy (who else?) Dave Barry's Blog.

And How Was Your Cinco de Mayo?

Did it go a little something like this?

I have to say, they got the perfect announcer voice for that. The list of side effects is also great.

Courtesy Dave Barry's Blog.

How To Keep Your Kids Away From Drugs

Don't go for the usual scare tactics. Instead, show them true life tales of exactly how unbelievably dumb people can be when they are stoned:

Two Men Arrested After Accidentally Dialing 911 While Trying To Page Their Dealer

When Asked For Identification, Man Hands Cop His Pot Pipe

And they will not want to smoke weed, for fear of ever being perceived as this fucking stupid.

Too Bad Winter's Over

One thing I do love about the end of winter is the proliferation of sales at various outdoor stores. Especially when they start trying to get rid of some of their more unusual products.

"Glove not included" is one of the more amusing disclaimers I've seen in a while.

Contraption Update

Remember that contraption to replace crutches I was talking about? I was showing the web page to people around the office, asking if they'd ever heard of anyone who'd used it.

Turns out not only had my friend Pam heard of it, she knew the guy who invented it (back in the day when it was called the CanadaLeg), and had tried it out and assured me it worked surprisingly well.

I'm now talking to the guy, trying to figure out if I can get my insurance to cover the cost. I'm totally taking pictures if I get one.

Easter Fun

One of my coworkers received a large box of Easter crap from his folks today, including an enormous number of Peeps. I commented that we should microwave them, and someone asked why.

Peeps, as has been repeatedly documented, expand to several times their original size in the microwave, and then poof out in an awesomely gruesome fashion. Occasionally, they explode and leave a delightfully sticky mess all over the microwave.

What do a bunch of grown people (of whom I'd like to note I am the youngest) decide to do when presented with this information and are unsure whether to believe it? Conduct their own testing in the office microwave.

This is what happens at 8pm on a Thursday when people work 12 to 15 hour days together for eight months in a row: They start acting like a bunch of twelve year olds.

I Stand Corrected

I was bitching about my continuing singlehood to some friends this weekend, saying it felt like I was in the midst of the longest dry streak in the world.

It was good to learn that I still have a ways to go before I can claim that title.

Courtesy, of course, Dave Barry's Blog.

You Kids Get Off My Videogame System!

Now I know why I can't find a damn Wii: They're being snapped up by retirement communities.

Well, and everyone else and their brother, mother, sister, and now grandparents. The video that's on that story is pretty cute though, especially the 89 year old woman who hasn't bowled since 1945.

Religious Update

You know, if this were the text used at the Seder my stepmom keeps harassing me to go to, I might actually go one of these years.

Courtesy, once again, Dave Barry's Blog

Oh Lord, Won't You Buy Me A Mercedes-Benz?

I drove mine into a river following bad GPS directions and it was swept away, I must make amends...

Special bonus quote with hilarious British town name:

Although the track is signposted as ‘unsuitable for motor vehicles’, the driver carried on and found herself at a ford in the village of Sheepy Magna.

courtesy Dave Barry's Blog

Hitting The Irony Jackpot

Well, I did not win almost 400 million dollars in the lottery, but I did score a fairly funny souvenir in my losing ticket.

Across the top, there's a little message:

March 5-11 is National Problem Gambling Awareness Week

Awesome that it happens to fall on a week with a ridiculously enormous jackpot. It'd be even better if nobody won tonight, then the jackpot would probably be around 400 mil.

And then, everyone in a MegaMillions state will immediately become a problem gambler.

Cleanup on Aisle 6

I think I set a new world record for clumsiness this afternoon.

I was out doing some errands for the production company's office (I officially work for one of the production companies that produces the show, and they have an office off-lot), and I managed the most fractious display of my clumsiness ever.

First, I was at Ralph's stocking up on drinks, and as a guy cut me off with his cart, I crashed my cart into a display, which in turn crashed into a big stack of jars of Gefilte fish, which in turn crashed to the ground.

I managed to get out of Ralph's without breaking anything else, and went over to Staples to stock up on various office supplies. I thought I was safe, because there's not much glass at Staples.

Except for the two-pack of big-ass fluorescent light bulbs that crashed to the ground when I was trying to get out a wedged-in box of extra large trash bags. That was a pretty spectacular sound, too.

I'm staying away from anything made of glass for the rest of the weekend.

Those Classy Brits

They ask the tough questions, and they use entirely non-suggestive illustrations:

Sorely Tempting

Apparently, someone is almost as big a fan of hilariously awful made-for-TV movies as I am: A double-feature of 10.5 and Category 6: Day of Destruction is now available on DVD.

And as you'll note at the bottom, you can buy that DVD and the DVD of 10.5: Apocalypse for under $25.

That may be, dollar for dollar, the best entertainment value you will see all year.

Thanks to Dave for the heads -up.

Bitterness, Put To Good Use

It appears someone at Amazon.com is as gloriously bitter about being single on Valentine's Day as I am, and has created an entire Love Stinks site to complement their V-day site.

They really went all the way on this, creating a really hysterical list of Bad Valentine's Gift Ideas.

Want to piss off your significant other so badly they'll break up with you? Try:

- Deep Wrinkle Night Cream Remover
- Sex For Dummies
- A 32oz jug of wolf urine
- Sheep! magazine

They also have some excellent suggestions for single men and women.

For men:

- Stuff and Maxim
- A Beer Can Chicken kit
- A Les Paul
- An Xbox 360

For women:

- The Ex knife holder (I totally want one of these)
- Thelma & Louise
- $600 Dolce & Gabbana boots
- Godiva chocolates
- A Wonder Woman tank top and underwear set that could double as your haloween costume

And showing up on both lists: Kraft Singles. Classic.

More Fun With Local News

While watching the Salt Lake City local news tonight, I heard the following sentence:

Members of a local family spent Christmas in the hospital after exchanging stab wounds instead of gifts.

Obviously not a funny subject, but the way they worded that made me burst out laughing.

The Greatest Celebrity Encounter Ever

Here in Sun Valley, you occasionally run into famous people.

Usually, it's just an L.A.-like part of the background noise, like Jamie Lee Curtis ending up behind my dad in line for lunch at the ski lodge, confirming for me that it was Christopher Guest I'd just seen.

Sometimes, however, you actually get to meet someone that amuses you greatly. And that's where today's story picks up.

We were having lunch with a couple of my dad and Ray Ann's friends, when one of the friends turned around, saw the gentleman behind him, and said "Hey Karl!"

A small man with an Austrian accent turned around and said hello, and when the friend introduced Karl to us, he said the words that made me smile:

"This is the guy whose snake ate the blanket."

I have met internationally famous television and movie stars, but it was not nearly as amusing as meeting the little old retired ski instructor who briefly captured the attention of the world...when his snake ate an electric blanket.

Houdini, the snake, was apparently sick for some time, as you might expect for a snake that ate a whole queen size electric blanket.

However, you will be happy to learn that Houdini is now fine, and back to dining on small mammals instead of large blankets.

Best Out of Context Quote Ever

From an email from my old boss at Ellen:

Dude - I am freakin' sunshine and light. BITE ME!!

This is why she and I got along so well. I need a t-shirt that says this.

When I Grow Up

I would like to be this kid.

Arrrrrrr!

Last night when I woke up from a nap, I noticed an irritant in my eye. I figured it was an eyelash or a speck of dust or something, so I went to the mirror to try and get it out.

After poking myself in the eye for a couple minutes, I realized that what I thought was a speck was not moving, and was actually a slight cut on my eyeball.

Luckily, working on a show about pretend doctors, we have a registered nurse and a couple actual doctors wandering around the office to ensure we have something that at least resembles accuracy.

The RN listened to me describe my symptoms and immediately diagnosed me with a small corneal abrasion, also known as...a cut on my eyeball.

The good news, she told me, is that because it's not very severe, it should go away on its own in a couple of days if I don't rub my eye when it itches. Which of course, I want to do all the fucking time.

Her recommended treatment was also kind of hilarious: Put on an eye patch when I got home and wear it overnight to stimulate the healing process.

She meant of gauze, but I immediately had this mental picture of running into one of the now-closing Halloween discount stores and picking myself up an eyepatch.

Although that'd be slightly less ridiculous than my current getup: Gauze held in place by a hilariously oversized ace bandage because I couldn't get the tape to stick.

No, there will not be pictures.

And The Award For Wackiest Hollywood Injury Of The Week Goes To...

...Hilary Swank, for "Got hit in the face with a co-star's errant suspender during a striptease scene"!

Bonus points for the injury actually requiring stitches and halting production for three days.

Sometimes, I Miss My Old Job

Not because I miss the sheer insanity it involved, but because I would really love to know what they had to cut out of this clip.

Hat tip to Defamer.

Amusing Things From The Interweb

Thing the first: Los Angeles apparently has the best mass transit system in the country.

Metro beat out major transit agencies in New York, Chicago and Washington, D.C., to win the award.

Clean-air buses, customer satisfaction and expanded service all helped Metro secure the national award.

It's a lot easier to keep customers satisfied when you have so very very few of them.

Thing the second: The most amusing headline of the day for Film School Nerds such as myself.

Thing the third: The Canadian Army vs. 10-Foot-Tall Weed Plants in Afghanistan. My favorite part is the description of what happened to troops in the area when some genius tried to eradicate the plants by setting them on fire.

Shark Attack

Part of the reason I enjoy my job is that sometimes very bizarre and amusing things happen.

Most of the time, I can't write about them here because of the numerous and voluminous Non-Disclosure Agreements I've had to sign, but since the LA Times wrote about this one, I think I'm safe.

I hereby present the relevant part of the story, without further comment:

After the interview, he gets back in the golf cart. As he drives by the set of "House," he spontaneously decides to stop. He pulls into a spot that says "Parking for Hugh Laurie Only." Woods was told earlier that "House" sent over a good-luck cake. When he walks onto the set, the stand-ins who are rehearsing flip for the star.

I just want to thank everybody for the cake you sent us today.

Everyone stares at him blankly.

OK, it turns out you didn't know about it. But I want to thank you for sending the cake you didn't know about. We're going to take it as a sign of good luck. And we'll return the favor by sending you back a spinach soufflé. Just kidding. Keep up the good work. See you all later.

Outside, Woods says he wants to go to the "House" production office to thank them. His girlfriend, Ashley, who kept him in the tabloids all summer and has now joined him, says she wants to go home and re-curl her hair and change clothes for the evening's premiere party. She wins.

Back outside his trailer

Woods tells the show's crew about his visit to the "House" set. An assistant looks panicked. Woods is informed the cake actually came from the set of "Bones."

The actor laughs and laughs before he asks: Does anybody know where "Bones" is?

Try Stage 10, Mr. Woods.

For Laz

Whose Mets beat the team upon whose bandwagon I have jumped (the Dodgers) today:

Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery

Fun Toy

There's a new website where you can create your own Colbert Report "On Notice" board. Here's mine:


Orange Cat Torturing Chaplin, you're officially On Notice.

An Unexpected Snag

Packing is going to take a lot longer than I thought it would if Chaplin keeps up his current trend of jumping in every single box I try to pack.

I know cats really, really like boxes, but this is ridiculous.

Twisted

TiVo recorded Twister for me, which was amusing, because it's a great example of one of my favorite genres: the Hilariously Bad Disaster Movie.

The leads, for the most part, fall to the level of the material. But look at the supporting cast, and it's really striking how many really decent actors are in it, acting like total boobs.

Nothing, however, surprised me more than the most "Duuuuuuuuuuude!"-ish of Helen Hunt's team o'dudes being played by none other than Oscar Winning Serious Goddamn Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Not even the fact that Twister is now ten years old.

I Need To Learn To Play This

And now, your moment Simpsons-related zen.

via Dave Barry's blog

At Last, Honesty From An Airline

It comes, in a very NSFW fashion, from RyanAir's page on New Airport Security Procedures.

Courtesy Consumerist.