Well Done, L.A. Times

They have located the most innocuous-looking lesbians in America for their story about how same-sex marriage will be a huge economic boon to California.

I am amused at how much their dog looks like an angry, surly old man, though. "Goddamn kids and their gay weddings. Now they're going to spend their lives looking at flower arrangements instead of playing fetch..."

Also, I laughed out loud when I read this:

Susan Goldman, a wedding photographer, registered the domain name biggayweddings.com a month ago so she could market her services to same-sex couples.

...since I've referred to every same-sex wedding and/or commitment ceremony I've attended as a Big Gay Wedding.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Now that Memorial Day weekend has passed, can we please, please, please agree to abandon the term "Stay-cation"?

The media have grown awfully fond of this term in the last few weeks, as a way to describe people who are putting off vacation plans and staying at home because it's so ridiculously fucking expensive to go anywhere.

But really, of all the people who didn't go anywhere, how many of them were like me: Never had any plans to go anywhere in the first place, and just cherished the chance to get a little more sleep?

I don't know why the term annoys me so, but I feel like spending an extra day sitting on the couch and not getting nearly as much done as I should is not really something that deserves its own dippy term.

And You Thought You Had A Shitty Christmas

Clearly, none of us have anything on this guy.

Oops!

If you thought the incidents where various American companies lost laptops with 300,000 or 400,000 people's financial information were bad, then be very thankful you don't live in Britain.

Funny or Sad?

Because either way, it's true:

Barry Bonds Home-Run Scandal Somehow Becomes Feel-Good Sports Story Of Summer

SAN FRANCISCO—Although Barry Bonds remains the target of criticism over his possible—some say almost certain—use of performance-enhancing substances, the fact that Bonds has not been implicated in dogfighting, nightclub...

Best quote?

"Bonds is not exactly my hero," said Braves fan Bradley Hanson, who flew to San Francisco for Monday night's Braves game in order to pointedly not boo Bonds. "But he's a reminder that in these troubled times for sports, there are still players whose crimes are simple, pure, and only tarnish our beloved sport and everything it stands for without killing anybody."

The Weird News Home Run

I love a category of internet flotsam that could loosely be described as Weird News. The bizarre, the hilarious, and the truly ridiculous things that happen across the globe on a daily basis. The things that give Fark a reason to exist.

There is a story today that just really hits it out of the park in terms of the elements of a truly great weird news story. This one has four key elements:

1. Stupid and/or crazy Criminals.
2. Situations that lend themselves to multiple puns.
3. Inexplicable costumes, preferably including duct tape.
4. Someone with a hilarious name commenting on the story.

I speak, of course, of the story of the New Hampshire man who decided to dress as a tree and rob a branch (har!) of a bank. That story has a picture of the lunatic gentleman involved, and his...unusual getup.

That story (from the Manchester Union-Leader, whose reporters must be grateful to have such an amusing break from covering the Presidential Primaries) has both merciless use of puns and two hilarious details.

First, the branch that was robbed bears the address of 1550 Elm Street. Secondly, and far more hilariously, the Manchester police captain commenting on the story is named Dick Tracy.

Reading that name, I find it difficult to believe the reporter didn't laugh and say, "No, seriously," when the good captain introduced himself.

How To Keep Your Kids Away From Drugs

Don't go for the usual scare tactics. Instead, show them true life tales of exactly how unbelievably dumb people can be when they are stoned:

Two Men Arrested After Accidentally Dialing 911 While Trying To Page Their Dealer

When Asked For Identification, Man Hands Cop His Pot Pipe

And they will not want to smoke weed, for fear of ever being perceived as this fucking stupid.

Headline of the Day

...goes to Daily Variety, for their headline on the story about Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? being picked up for 13 more episodes.

Awesomely, my old boss from when I worked at Ellen is now working for them.

It's the television equivalent of Snakes on a Plane: You hear that title, and you immediately know whether you want to watch it or not. Luckily for my old boss's continued employment, it seems that millions of Americans fall into the former category.

Stop Me, Before I Subscribe Again!

So I was cleaning this weekend, and I got all my magazines sorted into stacks. And even though I've been plowing through them at the gym, the stacks were still huge.

Just today, I finished August's Sports Illustrateds...August of 2005. I'm a year behind in Entertainment Weekly, a year and two months in Newsweek.

I did the math, and when I get to a point that I am a year behind in all three, it will take me four and a half months (assuming I go at my current rate of 3 per gym visit 3x weekly) to get through that year. And then I'll still be four and a half months behind!

And you know what I did last year? Renewed all three magazines.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Those Classy Brits

They ask the tough questions, and they use entirely non-suggestive illustrations:

More Fun With Local News

While watching the Salt Lake City local news tonight, I heard the following sentence:

Members of a local family spent Christmas in the hospital after exchanging stab wounds instead of gifts.

Obviously not a funny subject, but the way they worded that made me burst out laughing.

Where Do I Apply For A Canadian Work Visa Again?

The secretary of the Air Force suggests testing crowd-control weapons on US citizens.

I mean, I can sort of see the twisted logic that makes him think this is a good idea (i.e., if we're not willing to use it on our citizens, then we shouldn't be using it on foreigners because it will make us look bad).

But...does he have ANY idea how much this sounds like, "Hey, let's use American citizens as guinea pigs because they're protesting against things and/or celebrating basketball championships!"

It takes a lot for me to say this: Even for this administration, this is an unbelievably stupid idea.

Predictable Deaths of the Weekend

Most of the attention in the Predictable Death sphere has been focused on Steve Irwin getting killed by a stingray, but there's another that's flown somewhat under the radar.

Just outside D.C., a psychiatrist who was a nationally known expert in dealing with violent schitzophrenics was killed by a violent schitzophrenic.

Generally things like this come in threes, so I'm just waiting for the third one to show up.

Just Thinking About This Story Gives Me The Willies

Not that there was much danger of it to begin with, but I am not going anywhere NEAR Alabama anytime soon.