*Crickets*

Ah, the dulcet tones of the Production Office when there's a 10am call and a projected exceedingly late wrap - The fridge sadly cranking along, two keyboards clacking away as two sets of hands type bored IMs to friends lucky enough to not be stuck at work at almost 11pm on a Saturday night.

You'll notice "the drone of the air conditioner" is not included on this list because...well, it's not on. And the engineer who actually knows how to turn it on has gone home. And the windows don't open here.

I'm getting a little sleepy. And I can't leave until they wrap. This is going to be a looooong evening.

At least a) I have gotten every bit of work I possibly can out of the way, b) I did my PT exercises so I don't have to when I get home, and c) I discovered that Netflix Watch Now has the Dragnet Blue Boy episode on it. This is the most gloriously paranoid half-hour of television ever.

After watching it with the poor PA who's stuck here with me, he said, "You know, this was only fifteen years before Hill Street Blues. I can't imagine how they came that far that quickly." He's damn right.

Website Tie-Ins Go Hilariously Insane

If you watched tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother, you will be highly, highly amused by the extremely long, hysterically funny song on this site referenced in the episode (warning: audio loads automatically).

They had way, way, way too much fun creating that. It's almost as long as the goddamn episode, but sweet lord, it's awesome.

Sometimes, It's Best To Just Give Up

I finally gave up on a couple shows I'd watched every episode of earlier this year, Prison Break and Desperate Housewives.

While in DH's case I hear I may have given up right before the show creatively resurrected itself, this spoilery item indicates I checked out of Prison Break at the right time.

Because seriously? That's the most implausible plot twist they've come up with, and this is a show that's pretty much a maze of implausible plot twists.

Fun With Unfortunate Advertising

"Cashmere Mafia on ABC....Brought to you by Valtrex!"

No better marquee sponsor for a thinly disguised remake of Sex and the City than a herpes medication.

That single line by the announcer made me laugh a lot harder than anything on the actual show.

A Very Belated Answer

Laz posed a question in the comments a few days ago, which I thought I might want to actually answer before it becomes irrelevant:

So tell us -- Letterman circumventing the process and sorta crossing the line. Is that a good thing for the striking workers as a whole because it sets a possible precedent for bigger production companies, or does it take away from the solidarity of the union?

Actually, he's not crossing the line, his production company actually wholly owns his show and signed a deal with the WGA (note: That link has some interesting analysis by Nikki Finke, who's clearly sided with the writers over the main issues, but is still pretty good about calling bullshit on both sides when they deserve it).

This is extremely rare in these days of vertical integration, and at least a piece of almost every other show on television is owned by one of the major media conglomerates that comprises the AMPTP. Because Dave is independent, he was able to cut his own deal and get his show back on the air with writers.

Many people with more insight than I have taken a stab at predicting how this is going to turn out, with Tim Goodman of the San Francisco Chronicle hitting most of the short term points I would have.

Long term, it really depends on the ratings. If Letterman starts to win on a regular basis (and with writers vs. Jay's flailing, it's hard to see him not doing so), that's going to light a fire under NBC, whose negotiators have been among the serious hardliners.

However, if viewers are more compelled by the high-wire-without-a-net of Jay Leno trying to be funny without writers, it could prove a serious setback to the WGA, and hasten the fracture of the union (and oddly, might end the strike faster).

The one thing that has to be kept in mind is that these late night shows are absolute cash cows. They cost little to produce, get good ratings, and command enormous fees from advertisers. The amount of profit from these shows is above and beyond almost anything else on television.

Viewing habits in this timeframe are hard to break, which is why NBC has got to be concerned that its 13 year grip on the lead could be lost for good if Letterman is back with his writers and Jay without his for long enough.

Overall, it's a risky move, but if the ratings for Letterman (and Craig Ferguson, whose show Letterman's company also wholly owns and is also coming back with his writers) wind up way ahead of the competition, it's going to put an awful lot of pressure on NBC Universal to drop their hard line and to help convince others to drop theirs.

This week won't be the most telling: There will definitely be a "what-the-hell-is-he-gonna-do?" spike in interest in Leno. Next week, when people have had their chance to see what he's doing and decide whether or not it's worth watching, will be the key.

Now This, I Might Have Kept Watching

From G4's Attack of the Show, a Bionic Woman parody far more entertaining than the actual show:




The Subaru bit just killed me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to drive to work...in my Subaru.

Hat tip: After Ellen.

Who Wants To Feed A Starving TV Industry Employee?

This is looking increasingly likely to become a reality show starting Friday.

At least the mediator the Feds are sending in is a black belt in aikido, and can kick the shit out of the moron negotiators if they have another fight over chairs.

Looks like me and Chaplin are going to be fighting over who gets to eat the cat food.

Question for the Producers of Viva Laughlin

If you're going to have a show where all the actors are singing popular songs, wouldn't it be best to get license to versions of the songs where they're not being drowned out by the original singers?

I mean, I'd have loved to hear Hugh Jackman, a legitimately great singer, sing Sympathy For The Devil. But as the show is doing things, you can barely hear him over Mick Jagger. Although I will concede, it's probably a mercy to hear Debbie Harry drowning out a severely botoxed Melanie Griffith.

Anyone who's seen Viva Blackpool, the BBC show on which this is based: Do they do it that way on VB? Because frankly, I don't see this method working at ALL on the Brits.

Also, Hugh Jackman's hairdresser should be arrested for crimes against the straight women and gay men of America. Seriously, he's got a lesbian mullet. That ain't right.

The Best New Show on Television

Almost a month into the season, I can now declare an official winner: Pushing Daisies.

I'd absolutely loved the first two episodes, with their bizarre hyper-techincolor acid trip set design, extremely strong acting, and cute (but without crossing the fine line into too cute) stories.

I was worried, however, because both episodes were directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, who directed Men in Black and The Addams Family, and whose excellent, ebullient visual storytelling leaned heavily on what turned out to be an absolutely obscene budget.

You saw every penny of the lavish spending on the screen, but in the world of television, that kind of outlay over 22 weeks becomes simply unsustainable.

So unsustainable, in fact, that ABC actually took the draconian step of banning Sonnenfeld from directing future episodes and slashing the budget to the bone. I worried that without the wild, inspired world they were able to paint with all that money, the whole house of cards would fall down.

I'm pleased to report that the writing of this week's episode was inspired enough that I barely noticed the more drab and dimly lit surroundings.

Trying to explain what actually happens in the show is a bit of a mess. The basic premise is moderately understandable (though is annoyingly reiterated in every episode thus far): The main character touches a dead person once, they are resurrected. If he touches them again, they die, and stay dead.

If he does not touch them again to re-kill them in a minute, however, someone or something nearby will die in their place. He uses this power to help solve murders, and collect rewards. Oh, and he also revives dead fruit to make delicious pies at his awesomely named pie restaurant, the Pie Hole.

But trying to capture the texture of this show in words is totally impossible, other than to say it's the most wildly inventive show I've seen in some time, and it's clear that both the writers and the production designers have found themselves some truly excellent hallucinogens.

If you're willing to read some spoilers, professional TV critic Alan Sepinwall sums up why this ridiculousness works a lot better than I can. Even he can't capture the true level of weirdness, so if you haven't seen any of the episodes yet, you should try and get the ABC.com streaming to work for you, and watch whatever episodes they have up.

Pushing Daisies' weird, wild house of cards could still all collapse in on itself. I'll certainly admit to some misgivings about how long they can sustain the delicate balance they've struck. But until it does collapse, missing it would be a real shame.

Oh, Bionic Woman...

What a waste.

The pilot was way better than I'd heard it would be, particularly the excellent fight scenes, and I thought this could turn into a good show. But what false optimism it gave me has quickly been dissolved by the second and third episodes.

I've come to agree with the critics: Michelle Ryan is disastrously miscast as the lead. I was hoping the weaknesses she showed in the pilot would go away as she got more comfortable in the role, but they're still there all the way through the third episode. She makes the character seem obnoxiously wishy-washy, and when you're supposed to be a superhero, that's the kiss of death.

Katee Sackhoff is by far the best part of the show as "The First Bionic Woman," as she refers to herself in the pilot. The way Sackhoff is instantly and totally confident in her role no matter how ridiculous her character's story becomes only makes Ryan's miscasting all the more glaring.

I will say, the hysterically funny levels of LESBIAN SUBTEXT! (it's about that subtle) between the two [Les]Bionic Women are aaaaalmost worth suffering through another episode.

Unfortunately, the show's not nearly compelling enough to keep watching. I guess I'm just going to have to start getting Battlestar Galactica DVDs from Netflix. Mmmm...Starbuck...

Not Dead

Just damn busy. Work's been a bit nuts, and working out 5 days a week is just about killing me.

On the upside, I did get a free ticket to the Dave Matthews Band concert on Tuesday at the Hollywood Bowl through work. The show was awesome (guest apperances by some spectacular banjo player whose name I never caught, John Mayer playing way better than I'd previously given him credit for, and Ziggy and Steven Marley) and as we have a connection to Dave, the seats were great.

A couple other bits of miscellany I've been meaning to post but haven't got around to it:

- My gym recently rearranged their equipment, and now all the recumbent bikes (the ones where you sit down and your feet are out in front of you rather than below you like a regular bike), which are the ones I use because they're easier on Mister Cranky Ankle, are out in front of the room where the spin class takes place.

There's one bike nobody ever rides unless every other bike is full, because it's the one directly outside the spin class, so you spend your entire ride having to listen to the really obnoxious instructor try to motivate people by being so annoying that they're imagining each pedal push to be a stomp on her face.

I got stuck on that bike TWICE this week. I am literally going to stuff a sock in her mouth if I get stuck on it again.


- I don't think I've ever gotten as strong reactions to wearing my Cubs hat as I did at Oktoberfest down in Torrance last weekend. Apparently a lot of heavy beer-drinkers are Brewers fans! Who'd have thought?


- Another reason posting has been lacking is that I've only managed to delete one season pass so far of the stuff that's premiered. There's a remarkable number of decent shows (Chuck being the primary standout) and only one real stinker (Big Shots).

There's a few more shows I'll probably shitcan after the second or third episode if they don't improve, including a few that I've watched for several seasons but that have recently taken some unbelievably dumb plot twists.


- So the writers are going to authorize a strike and their contract expires at the end of the month. The working theory is that this is just saber-rattling, and that they won't walk until the actors' and directors' contracts are up in May, since working together they can shut down the whole industry.

The problem is, by authorizing a strike right now, they basically leave the threat of a walkout, which would shut down production shortly thereafter, hanging over Hollywood for seven months. Guys, I'm begging you. Please wait until May. My strike fund is not ready yet.

Pilot Roundup, Part 2

Here's another quick set of impressions of the stuff I watched this week. I'll post scattered quickies of some of the late-premiering stuff, but this is the last big roundup.

This week's bias alerts come from the fact that I work for these folks, so reviews for anything in our timeslot (9/8 central, Tuesdays) or in our medical genre you should view with a wary eye. That said:


Cane (Tuesdays at 10, CBS) - It's nice to see non-white culture represented on network TV, but the level of arm-flailing "HEY! LOOK! CUBANS!" is pretty silly. They roast pigs! They have dance sequences! They smoke enough cigars to make a viewer cough from the thought of all the secondhand smoke! The oddest aspect of this is the occasional line or set of lines in (english-subtitled) Spanish, when the remainder of the scene is in English, with exceedingly clumsy transitions between the two.

However, despite some Dynasty-level plot twists, it's not ridiculous enough to dismiss out of hand. There are a ton of absolutely outstanding actors in this, and the setting is novel enough that once the writers hit their stride, it could turn into a really interesting show. The only question is if enough viewers will stick around to keep this show on the air until then.


Dirty Sexy Money (Wednesdays at 10, ABC) - Another entry in the overstuffed "Rich People are Fucking Crazy" genre, but this one's at least more entertaining than most. Peter Krause is great as the lawyer trying to get disentangled with a disgustingly rich family his father got entangled with years ago.

Donald Sutherland is a bit over the top as the patriarch of said family, but the excesses here are not nearly as obnoxious as those of Big Shots (see below). Total soap opera, but it reminds me of the first season of Desperate Housewives, back when that show was actually pretty damn good.


Reaper (Tuesdays at 9, CW) - This show is a direct competitor to my employers, so I can't give it a full review. It's similar to Chuck in a lot of ways, but different enough to not come off as a complete clone. Ray Wise, who plays the devil, is hysterical and blatant in his thievery of every scene he's in. Let's just say I wish this was in another timeslot.


Private Practice (Wednesdays at 9, ABC) - Disappointing. When you take her away from the increasingly annoying characters who populate Grey's Anatomy (from which this show was spun off), Addison just becomes another annoying character. It's an absolute waste of Kate Walsh's talent.

A point I agreed with that was hammered home in review after review I read of this show was that these middle-aged people have gained no wisdom with age - They're just as neurotic as the 20-somethings who populate Grey's, but without the excuse of youth to forgive their ridiculously unnecessary drama. If you don't like Grey's, you'll hate this, and even if you do, you still may not like it very much.


Big Shots (Thursdays at 10, ABC) - Breathtakingly smarmy, and damn near unwatchable. I don't think I've ever wanted to punch every single main character in the face within the first five minutes of a pilot before.

Gets the uncoveted distinction of First Season Pass Deletion of the season, a feat achieved the second the pilot was over. Oh, and whoever thought this show would work well in the post-Grey's timeslot needs to get canned, or at least drug tested, right quick.

Pilot Roundup, Part 1

So before I start, I want to make crystal clear for anyone stumbling across this that all opinions here are my own as a TV viewer and should not reflect at all on the people who choose to employ me so I can continue to afford 8,000 cable channels.

Also, I have two levels of bias alert: Slight Bias Alert means I know a couple of people who are there now but who had nothing to do with the pilot, so I feel comfortable reviewing it in earnest. Bias Alert means I know people heavily involved in the pilot and can't really give an unbiased review, but I'll say a couple words about it.

That said, here are the reviews for things I've already seen the pilots for, either on TV or via some alternate means:


Chuck (Mondays at 8 on NBC) - Perfect companion to Heroes. I will be shocked if this doesn't turn into a hit. Zachary Levi is spot-on as the underacheiving geek whose CIA roommate sends him a series of pictures that has all the secrets of the US Government embedded within it, then has a hot chick from the CIA come and try to find out what he knows and possibly kill him. Okay, yes, that makes it sound a bit dopey, but if you thought Heroes was nice and nerdy but maybe a bit too serious, you will definitely love Chuck.


Life (slight bias alert, Wednesdays at 9 on NBC) - I love Damian Lewis (who was wonderful in Band of Brothers), but this show is just weird. They take a run-of-the-mill cop show and try to make it interesting by slapping an out-of-place documentary framing device on it and making the lead cop (Lewis) a man who was recently freed after being framed for murder. Largely, they fail because Lewis's character comes off as more obnoxiously quirky than anything else.

I will say, I do appreciate a show that both contains Robin Weigert (who was fucking awesome as unrepentant drunk Calamity Jane on Deadwood and who I am always happy to see working) and finds repeated excuses to get smokin' Sarah Shahi a) in a police uniform, which is hot, and b) out of her shirt, which is hotter. That'll at least buy them two more episodes on my TiVo.


Back To You (Wednesdays at 8 on Fox) - The first ten minutes of this were not terribly promising, but despite the appearance of a couple of flagrantly obnoxious supporting characters (I'm looking at you, fat young sweaty news director and hot daddy issues latina weathergirl), I think this could turn into a pretty amusing show. Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton are old pros, and it's their chemistry that makes this work.

I think as long as they try to keep it focused on the more interesting characters (Grammer, Heaton, the local reporter passed over for the anchor job, and delightfully loopy Fred Willard doing his tried, true, and still hilarious shtick as the asshole Sports Guy), this could end up being a long-runner.


K-Ville (bias alert, Mondays at 9 on Fox) - I'll leave most of my observations out of this except to say the guy they have running the writers room over there used to work at my show, and he is an absolutely outstanding writer. Every script he wrote here was jaw-droppingly awesome. If anyone can make this work over the course of a season, he can. However, I fear this may get stomped hard by the Heroes juggernaut before it gets a chance to fully find its voice.


Journeyman (Mondays at 10 on NBC) - The show's versions of time travel and its machinations are not terribly well-explained, but Kevin McKidd from Rome does a good to great job in the title role. I was a bit unsure of this show until the final scene of the pilot, which is really a triumph of McKidd's acting ability. If they can find material that will consistently touch the emotions of the viewer the way that scene does (I shit you not, it gave me goosebumps), this is a show to watch out for.


Bionic Woman (Wednesdays at 9 on NBC) - The reviews for this pilot haven't been great, but I really enjoyed the action stuff they did, and came off a lot more impressed than I thought I'd be. The non-action aspects were definitely a bit too far into the dark side, but it's got quite a bit of potential.

There is one big concern I have, and that's the post-pilot addition of Isaiah Washington to this show after his recent shitcanning at Grey's due to his violent, homophobic outburst last year and subsequent complete inability to shut his persecution-complexed piehole about said incident. Washington's got a hell of a lot of talent, but he got fired less than a month before he got this gig for being a loose cannon and potential liability, and his hiring smacks of "any publicity is good publicity" desperation. It does not give me confidence that they've been able to patch the flaws in the show on their own.


More to come next weekend after I watch the pile o'stuff premiering this week.

Tell You I Hate You

Here's the long review I promised earlier this week. Bunch of mini-reviews for the pilots I've already seen will be up later today.

Many people have been asking me, "What the fuck has happened to HBO lately?" I call it Albrecht's revenge.

Chris Albrecht, the former head of HBO who was unceremoniously booted after getting arrested for beating his girlfriend (and after a previously covered up incident of the same nature was revealed shortly thereafter), really left his former employers in the lurch with the slate he greenlit just prior to his departure. It's almost as if he knew the jig was up.

John From Cincinatti was an impenetrable mess, chosen to debut in the timeslot following the head-scratching finale of The Sopranos (my mom's reaction was fairly typical). It flopped spectacularly, and now the next of Albrecht's hand-picked successors is here to shit all over HBO's once-pristine reputation.

Someone asked me earlier this week via text message to explain what happens on Tell Me You Love Me, and my 160 character-limited reply was, "boring conversation, boring conversation, fucking, then boring conversation." In other words, another serious disappointment.

The premise, at first glance, is right up HBO's alley. A realistic look at marriage that would strip away the layers of bullshit that constantly surround relationships, complete with lots of envelope-pushing sexual situations? It must have sounded like a home run during the pitch.

The problem is in the execution. The scripts shoot for honest but wind up at excruciating. There's a very fine line in film and television between being really honest about how life is really lived and presenting people with rehashed versions of arguments that they had this morning, and that they'd really prefer not to relive.

The best example I can find of the former is Friday Night Lights, a show that infuses even the angriest arguments with love and humor. Tell Me You Love Me just infuses everything with deep bitterness, and it makes the show incredibly obnoxious.

The other problem with the show is a bit more endemic to its premise than to its specific execution: Dramas about troubled relationships, particularly those which are shooting for realism, are particularly difficult to do well because of the deeply boring nature of most fights to people not actually IN the relationship.

The couple having fertility difficulties might resonate with other couples having fertility difficulties. I, however, have seen this story line one too many times, and the exact same beats are covered in every treatment of it:

"This is my fault for having dried up eggs, this is your fault for having dried up sperm, let's schedule sex to meet my ovulation schedule, let's throw out the schedule and just be romantic, this is our fault for not trying hard enough, this is nobody's fault so let's just love each other."

That's just one example of the mind-numbingly boring plot recycling that goes on between sex scenes in the show. Sadly, in some plotlines, fights aren't just boring, they're actively irritating.

Take, for example, the engaged couple of the show. Their troubles begin after she overhears him talking about how he doesn't think, even though they're engaged, he'll ever spend the rest of his life only sleeping with one woman. This sends her into an almost psychotic tizzy, freaking out that because he can't commit right then and there at that very second to not sleeping with anyone for the next forty to sixty years, he doesn't really love her enough.

Now, this is a stupid enough premise on its own, but the acting and the writing really turn it into the single most asinine argument you've ever heard. Halfway through the second episode I wanted to scream at this poor guy, "Oh my God, RUN! Dump this lunatic before it's too late!"

And then...there's the sex. It's an unavoidable part of the show in a "Wow, did they actually just show that guy's balls? I think they did. Oh look, there they are again!" sort of way. They also think they're pushing the envelope by showing a 60-something woman giving her husband a blowjob, but I was simply left with the rather creepy feeling that I'd just walked in on someone else's parents having sex.

The graphic nature of the sex is supposed to be daring and show deeper levels of a relationship than you can show without it, but if the characters are so annnoying and/or underdeveloped as to leave the viewer completely unable to connect with any of them, the sex can't come off as anything other than pornographic and prurient.

And believe me, if you're watching this show for the 2-3 brief sex acts that take place over the course of an hour, you need to go take the $14 a month you're paying for HBO and go buy some actual pornography, because it'd certainly be sexier and a far more effective means to an end than anything shown here.

The whole thing is just unfortunate, because there are a couple good actors who are wasted in horribly bland parts: Tim DeKay from Carnivàle just can't do anything with the colorless sad-sack husband who's lost interest in sex, and Ally Walker as his wife who goes to couples therapy without him is hilariously passive-agressive.

Overall, it's another serious dent in HBO's once-impenetrable armor. I won't even give this the chance I gave John From Cincinnati of watching the whole season, partly since the highly awesome Dexter is starting up in the same timeslot in a couple weeks. I gave JFC that chance because it was so fucking weird and David Milch is so fucking brilliant that I thought maybe, maybe there's a point to continuing to watch this and it will eventually turn awesome, despite the fact that it never did.

That hope doesn't exist with this show. For the first time in a while for an HBO show, the season pass is getting deleted from the TiVo tonight. Thanks, Albrecht.

An Informal Survey

So it's Beginning of the TV Season Time again, and I'm once again getting the itch to review some of the new stuff.

I'm in the midst of writing up my feelings on one fall show that's already premiered, and I wanted to know if you guys were interested in some of my critiques of new fall shows.

Now, granted, because of where I work, there will be several shows I can't really review without serious conflicts of interest.

Just to name a few: K-Ville's pilot was directed by a guy who's now an EP for us and their head writer used to work for us as well; Life has a former EP of ours; we're up against Reaper; I also probably can't give a fair review to Private Practice because of its connection to Grey's.

However, I probably wouldn't have time to write that many reviews anyway. I want to know how interested you guys are in hearing my ramblings, because I'll probably do one of two things:

1. Post a big long summary of short observations about all the shows I've watched, plus my one longer review that I've already half written.

2. Post a few longer reviews of selected shows.

Which would you kids prefer? Or would you prefer to wait to make your decision until after I've posted my longer review?

Time Well Spent

It's always interesting when a television show includes one line of dialogue that sums up the entire show.

John From Cincinnati, I suspect, did not intend for this particular line to crystalize reaction to the show, but it certainly captured my reaction.

Three guys are sitting in a van in the wilderness, having spent the night waiting for the bangers who stabbed one of them. After a night of nothing, one of them says, in a deeply sarcastic tone, to no one in particular:

"Well, that was time well spent."

And then the episode cuts to black.

I laughed at the irony when it first aired, and then I immediately went back to that line after watching the maddeningly obtuse season (and likely series) finale.

It's pretty amazing when someone who was a huge fan of the festival of weirdness that was Carnivàle ends up finding your show too frustratingly bizarre to watch.

Bad Signs For Your Television Show

If someone would rather watch The Waterboy than the most recent episode of your show, even though she absolutely worshiped your last show, you have gone terribly wrong somewhere.

If someone who *almost* unironically loves the wholly ridiculous Jericho and still religiously watches ancient, creaky ER because she just can't bring herself to stop finds your show has become so ridiculously implausible that she's considering not watching anymore, you too, have made a huge mistake.

This is a summer of disappointment for the obsessive television fan. At least there was the really awesome episode of the Closer with a three-way brawl between a funeral, a murder investigation, and a wedding. The teaser and first act of that episode were absolutely inspired.

Damn You, Chiklis!

I've been catching up on the first couple seasons of The Shield, since, thanks to the cheap-ass deals I get at the Fox studio store, I have all 5 seasons available on DVD. I've also got the whole 6th sitting on my TiVo, but I hadn't gotten around to watching the first 3 seasons until now.

I'm also told that it's a good idea to get a refresher on earlier seasons before watching season 6. For the love of god, tell me no more.

The problem is that the show is so damn good, I keep forgetting to go to bed until the DVD finishes. I'm 2/3 of the way through Season 2, I think at the rate I'm going, I may finish all six seasons by sometime next week.

This cannot possibly be healthy.

Endings and Beginnings

I've never watched The Sopranos. I could never get into it. My mom, however, loves it, and since she's here helping me with my foot, I sort of half-assedly watched the finale.

As the screen went black and she realized they'd ended it where they had, she said something that I'm sure must have come out of many a Sopranos fan's mouth:

"Oh, those fuckers!"

And now, to watch John From Cincinnati and see exactly how big a cocksucker Milch is for ditching the best show ever for this piffle.

Edited to add: So, is John supposed to be autistic? Or were they just trying so hard for "blank slate" that they wound up completely and terribly overshooting?

Miscellaneous Etc.

A few odds and ends before I disappear into Foot Surgery Land tomorrow:

- Disgusting double-entendre of the day.

- CBS resurrected Jericho, which makes me happy because I enjoyed how insanely ridiculous that show was. I was not enough of a fan to send unsolicited tons of peanuts to CBS, but still, it's nice to know the show will live to create even more egregious plot holes.

- Mom's here to help me out with the first couple post-surgical days when I'll be doped to the gills, which will be helpful. However, mom snores REALLY loud. I'd forgotten about that.

- I have to be at the surgery center tomorrow at 5:45am, so I'm getting up at 5. Between mom snoring and Chaplin yowling, I don't think they're even going to have to give me a sedative to get me back to sleep.

Viewer Alerts

Viewer Alert #1: We are not on tomorrow, our finale (which my boss directed) is on next Tuesdday (9/8 central!).

Viewer Alert #2: A girl I went to high school with has won the current round of The Bachelor. Though we weren't friends or anything, I certainly remember her as being very nice, albeit a few light bulbs short of a chandelier.

Still, good for her, if she really does like the guy once all the trappings of TV are gone. I have met people who have met through stupider methods and are still happy. It'll certainly make the reunion a bit more amusing.

Oh Good God

I went to high school with one of the Bachelorettes on the current version of The Bachelor.

The night the show premiered, a friend from high school IMed me trying to figure out if it was her, but we weren't positive. Now, I can officially shake my head in wonder at the ridiculousness.

I'm even a little tempted to watch and see if she's still the same girl I remember (very nice, but...not the sharpest knife in the drawer).

Maybe if I weren't working eleventy billion hours with the boss directing, I'd have time to watch. Alas. Anyone actually voluntarily watching this is encouraged to keep me updated.

Headline of the Day

...goes to Daily Variety, for their headline on the story about Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? being picked up for 13 more episodes.

Awesomely, my old boss from when I worked at Ellen is now working for them.

It's the television equivalent of Snakes on a Plane: You hear that title, and you immediately know whether you want to watch it or not. Luckily for my old boss's continued employment, it seems that millions of Americans fall into the former category.

Chaplin Loves the Colbert Report

So much so that he decided to do his impression of Stephen Colbert in front of the Gigantic Damn Television:

click to enlarge

Viewer Alert

Remember how I said a couple months ago that my boss was directing an episode? It's now finished, and it airs Tuesday at 9 (8 Central). Please feel free to watch and goose our 18-49 numbers.

Why Am I Stupid?

I have a busy enough weekend planned. I'm going to the tax accountant. I'm having an Oscar party. I'm going to attempt to wall-mount my TV (though if that fails spectacularly enough, I will not be having an Oscar party).

So, with all that on my plate, you'd think I wouldn't be stupid enough to decide that this is the weekend to buy an expensive new router, attach my hard drive to it, and try and get the ports forwarded in a way that doesn't expose all my data to the interwebs.

Apparently, you'd be wrong. I am exactly that stupid.

Sorely Tempting

Apparently, someone is almost as big a fan of hilariously awful made-for-TV movies as I am: A double-feature of 10.5 and Category 6: Day of Destruction is now available on DVD.

And as you'll note at the bottom, you can buy that DVD and the DVD of 10.5: Apocalypse for under $25.

That may be, dollar for dollar, the best entertainment value you will see all year.

Thanks to Dave for the heads -up.

And It's SPECTACULAR

Well, it took four guys from the cable company standing around my apartment for an hour to get the two CableCards properly installed in my HD TiVo, but good lord, SPECTACULAR HD (™ Laz) is pretty fucking cool.

I'm watching the Lakers-Wizards game right now (ironic, since a) I hate basketball and b) I hate DC even more), and the picture is absolutely unreal. You can see the individual beads of sweat on Gilbert Arenas as he comes up to the free throw line.

Nate came over earlier and The Empire Strikes Back was on HBO HD, and...wow. Darth Vader's helmet was so very, very shiny. You could count the individual hairs on Chewbacca.

I moved the new-old TiVo that had been in the living room to the bedroom and disconnected the old-old TiVo. I'm in the process of trying to find a home in L.A. for the old-old one (since I'd prefer not to ship it), but if I can't, you kids will get first dibs before I put it on eBay.

I also changed my TiVo naming scheme, since the old one was a bit too practical ("living room" and "bedroom" were the old names). Fixed that problem: The new-old TiVo is now Pinky, and the HD TiVo is The Brain.

Between this and my new Netflix subscription (Snakes on a Motherfuckin' Plane arrived today) I think there's a very real danger that I'm never going to leave my apartment again.

Fiscal Irresponsibility is Fun!

It all started when a coworker came up to me tuesday and said, "You're big into tech stuff, right?" Always dangerous words, but I had no idea how dangerous they would prove this time.

And so it was that he told me of the absolutely absurd deal he got on a really, really nice Panasonic HDTV from a liquidator in Silicon Valley, hired to dispose of some late-2006 model plasmas with little to no wear and tear at low low prices.

How low? Less than half of what the 42", really high quality plasmas were going for new. Enough that instead of simply getting the television I could afford, I got the entire A/V setup I wanted for the money I'd saved up.

After some hemming and hawing (and coming thisclose to convincing Nate and Liz to be as stupid as I am), I went for the deal. Because it was going to be super-expensive to ship, I convinced Nate to come with me to Menlo Park to pick it up today.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Gigantic Damn Television:


Now since Nate and I are both huge geeks, we looked at the map and realized we were going to only be a few miles from Cupertino. Since we were running a good bit early, we decided to make a quick stop:


And to take our nerdiness officially over the top:


When I asked one Charlie Chaplin the Cat what he thought of this entire endeavor, he pulled this face, which I'll bet more than a couple of you are pulling right now:


Special thanks to Nate, who not only accompanied me and had the intestinal fortitude to resist purchasing one on the spot (which I surely could not have done), but who helped my half-cripped ass lug the damn thing up to my apartment.

Nate, without you, I couldn't watch spectacularly awful television in truly spectacular HD.

More TK when I get the HD TiVo (oh you better believe it) and everything else up and running.

The Torture of 24 Time Zones

Mark and I are both obsessed with 24.

Mark lives in Chicago. I live in Los Angeles, and despite actually working on the Fox Lot, do not have access to the east coast feed of 24.

This results in text message exchanges like the following text messages, which were exchanged between 6:34pm and 7:04pm yesterday:

6:34pm
Mark: Holy shit. 24. Holy Shit. U will shit your load. [uh...what?]

6:38pm
Ellen: Damn you. It's not on for another 3 hours here!

6:38pm
Mark: Holy Fuck!

6:42pm
Mark: this is incredible.

6:44pm
Ellen: It's just going to be Jack driving to Pasadena for an hour, isn't it?

6:44pm
Mark: No, it starts with jack going door to door saving america. But then. holy shit.

7:03pm
Ellen: Damn you, how many times must I tell you, TELL ME NOTHING!!!

6:55pm [arrived 7:04pm]
Mark: aaagh! Awesome!

7:05pm
Mark: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.


Having now watched the episode, I can say Mark is absolutely right. I would never, ever have believed him. And yet I believed every second of the show when I watched it.

Sweet lord, this show is awesome.

About Tonight's 24

I will not say anything specific so as not to spoil it for those who are time-shifting it but...Sweet Holy Crap On A Stick, the last 10 minutes?

The one thing I thought was the big end-of-episode turning point and then they turn around and pull THAT shit?! God DAMN, I love this show.

Geek vs. Geek

This week my boss is still directing. More 16 hour days on set, and a lot more learning. The TV geek part of me is very happy.

However, the gadget geek part is having a slight panic attack. This week is both the international Consumer Electronics Show and the Macworld San Francisco expo.

Now, I realize not finding out about things AS THEY HAPPEN! is not the end of the world, but seeing all the dueling coverage and seeing the goofy reveals live is pretty damn entertaining, and I'm going to miss about 90% of it this year.

I've got several people promising to keep me updated on anything big announced, though I'm fully expecting a couple fakes ("Steve Jobs just announced a personal spacecraft! It's called the iOrbit and it's the size of a newt! I totally want one.").

Luckily, a few companies are releasing stuff at CES today for me to drool over or laugh at tonight.

Speaking of things to laugh at, The L Word starts up their new season tonight. I'd like to say it cannot possibly be worse than their last season, but when they scrape the bottom of the barrel, they have a a remarkable ability to punch all the way through.

Parental Advisory

I've got assorted parental units in town starting today in celebration of Dad's 70th birthday tomorrow. Weirdness alert: My boss's mom recently turned 70 as well. I suppose that's what happens when you wait to have kids until you're 45.

Speaking of weird, did anyone else watch Jericho (shut up, it's the most unintentionally hilarious show on television) and notice that Aasif Mandvi from the Daily Show was the doctor? That was just bizarre, especially because he was randomly using a British accent.

Noted With Interest

...but without comment, these Canadian posters for Grey's Anatomy and ER, which air on the same network up North:


courtesy This. That. No Other. via Damn Hell Ass Kings.

Shark Attack

Part of the reason I enjoy my job is that sometimes very bizarre and amusing things happen.

Most of the time, I can't write about them here because of the numerous and voluminous Non-Disclosure Agreements I've had to sign, but since the LA Times wrote about this one, I think I'm safe.

I hereby present the relevant part of the story, without further comment:

After the interview, he gets back in the golf cart. As he drives by the set of "House," he spontaneously decides to stop. He pulls into a spot that says "Parking for Hugh Laurie Only." Woods was told earlier that "House" sent over a good-luck cake. When he walks onto the set, the stand-ins who are rehearsing flip for the star.

I just want to thank everybody for the cake you sent us today.

Everyone stares at him blankly.

OK, it turns out you didn't know about it. But I want to thank you for sending the cake you didn't know about. We're going to take it as a sign of good luck. And we'll return the favor by sending you back a spinach soufflé. Just kidding. Keep up the good work. See you all later.

Outside, Woods says he wants to go to the "House" production office to thank them. His girlfriend, Ashley, who kept him in the tabloids all summer and has now joined him, says she wants to go home and re-curl her hair and change clothes for the evening's premiere party. She wins.

Back outside his trailer

Woods tells the show's crew about his visit to the "House" set. An assistant looks panicked. Woods is informed the cake actually came from the set of "Bones."

The actor laughs and laughs before he asks: Does anybody know where "Bones" is?

Try Stage 10, Mr. Woods.

2006 Fall Season Update: I Think We Have A Winner

I haven't been posting much because I've been up to my eyeballs in work and in the new fall season of television. I love that my job gives me a nominal excuse to actually watch all this shit.

For those keeping score, brief updates on all the shows I've been testing out for the fall season, sorted roughly by airdate/time:

Heroes - Extremely entertaining, and a lot better than I thought it would be. First two episodes show a lot of promise, but I'm not sure I buy that the production values and writing quality can be kept up long-term. Series television is harder than hell, especially when it has to look this good every week.

Vanished - Stopped watching after two episodes. Utterly preposterous with horrible acting, and totally wasted its Atlanta setting. If you're going to bother to set a series somewhere other than New York or LA, then actually set it there. Don't just intercut some stock footage of the city and call it even.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - Major disappointment. As has been astutely pointed out by the TV critic at the Akron Beacon-Journal, a huge part of the failure is that the sketches for the comedy that's supposed to save the world? Are exceptionally weak (and the Gilbert and Sullivan bit is a rip-off of a Saturday Night Live bit with David Hyde Pierce, which in turn was a rip-off of Animaiacs).

Friday Night Lights - Just watched the first episode, and it was fucking awesome. Gripping, well-acted, extremely well directed. If the rest even come close to the pilot, this show is going to be fantastic. My favorite new show of the season.

Knights of Prosperity - Hasn't premiered yet.

Standoff - Dreadful. The pilot was just awful, though the second episode (which I watched because the TV was still on after my show finished) was at least slightly better, but the only reason it was watchable was because of Tim DeKay as the unhinged air traffic controller. When your guest cast far outshines your leads, you have a serious problem.

Smith - Better than it has any right to be. Way better than Heist and probably better than Thief. Again, another one I'm unsure can keep this up for 22 episodes, but I'm a lot more open to it than I was when I heard the premise.

Jericho - Unexpectedly and morbidly fascinating. Poor Man's Johnny Depp (aka Skeet Ulrich) isn't bad, and Gerald McRaney stumbles onto his second great part of they year after playing George Hearst on my late, lamented Deadwood. However, the post-apocalyptic premise is what makes this worth watching. The only question that remains, as it does for so many other shows, is: For how long?

20 Good Years - Hasn't premiered yet, but I'm hearing horrible buzz.

30 Rock - Hasn't premiered yet, but will at least be funnier (if not necessarily better) than Studio 60.

Justice - Interesting concept, headache-inducing execution. The first show I've ever stopped watching because of the style in which it is shot. I thought all the jump cuts were going to give me a seizure. There's a line at which your special effects drown out your plot, and this show was about thirty feet over it.

Kidnapped - A hell of a lot better than Vanished, but didn't grab me for some reason. I meant to TiVo the second episode, but when I forgot, I realized I just didn't care. That's never a good sign.

The Nine - Premieres tomorrow. Will at least be better than Six Degrees (see below).

Ugly Betty - Been done before, totally clichéd. Still really great, mostly because America Ferrara owns the title role. This is one of the few shows I don't see having any problem whatsoever mining years of material out of its premise.

Shark - James Woods is great, but they keep trying to give him a heart of gold in the scenes with his kid, and it robs the character of any resonance. I'm going to keep watching for a few episodes in the hope that it improves, but I'm not too optimistic.

Six Degrees - The pilot committed the worst sin in television: It was completely and utterly boring. Didn't even watch the second episode.

Dexter - Michael C. Hall is spectacularly creepy as a sociopathic serial killer whose day job is as a forensics expert for the Miami Police. Way better than the concept sounds. Also way better than anything else on Showtime, though I admit that's a somewhat low bar to clear.

Brothers and Sisters - I don't know why I even bothered. Sally Field has always irritated me, and I knew I'd never buy Calista Flockhart as an Ann Coulter-type conservative ballbreaker. I heard the second episode was better than the pilot, but not even Rachel Griffiths could bring me to keep watching it.

Bad Kitty

Kitty apparently decided to sit on my cable remote just as my TiVo was trying to turn the channel to get Prison Break recording.

Because of this, TiVo recorded an hour of some weird OnDemand program about gardening and building large sculptures out of PVC pipe instead.

I believe I'll be hiding the cable remote somewhere kitty can't get to it from now on.

Rescued

You know, I was going to write a big post on how disappointed I was in this season of Rescue Me. After two stellar seasons, the show went completely off the rails this year.

However, Todd VanDerWerff, who's guesting on Matt Soller Zeitz's blog, has an excellent dissection of what went wrong, and why I'll still probably end up watching it next year.

If you ever liked the show, it's worth a read. And now I don't have to write it.

Deadwood Finale Update

I really fuckin' hate you, HBO.

Emmy Quote of the Evening

The Emmy Quote of the Evening comes from Mariska Hargitay, who seems just as mystified at I am over her win in the backstage press gaggle:

It's crazy! Who wins an Emmy on a cop procedural - I do! I guess I say "Where were you Tuesday night?" really well!

And now, I'm off to cry over the series finale of motherfuckin' Deadwood. I hate you, HBO.

Signs That Perhaps I Watch Too Much Television

I had to create a spreadsheet, with the aid of the Futon Critic's schedule, to figure out which TiVo to use to record which show for the upcoming fall season.

While doing that, I determined that, if I permanently add every show I'm trying out, I will be recording 25.5 hours of television a WEEK.

That figure is only in primetime and does not count the 4 hours a week of Daily Show and Colbert Report I always watch. Oddly, there is not one show I will be recording on either Friday or Saturday.

Thankfully, I will probably not watch entire seasons of at least some of the shows that I'm trying out, either because they get cancelled or I determine they suck.

For the curious, here's the list of new shows I'm giving at least one shot to, in the rough order of day/time they're airing:

- Heroes
- Vanished
- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
- Friday Night Lights
- Knights of Prosperity
- Standoff
- Smith
- 20 Good Years
- 30 Rock
- Justice
- The Nine
- Ugly Betty
- Six Degrees
- Brothers and Sisters

I'm also probably going to track down Shark, but I've already assigned both TiVos when it airs, so I might have to use slightly more nefarious methods.

Having mapped all this out, I now understand why, precisely, I have no life.